I had to build a ship last-minute big enough to carry two of every animal in existence. FML.

I was the first human to die, by the first murderer in existence, my own brother. FML.

I was righteous, but still the following happened: my possessions were destroyed, my animals were taken or slaughtered, and my children were killed in a hurricane. FML.

My dad was going to kill me as a sacrifice, until God basically said, “Just kidding, I know you’re faithful now.” Thanks, father dearest. FML.

Some kids made fun of my baldness, so I cursed them in the Lord’s name, and some bears mauled them. FML.

An assassin stabbed me, a king, in my stomach, but he had to thrust especially hard because of my weight problem, and I pooped all over myself and died. FML.

I was killed by God for beginning to have sex with my dead brother’s wife after getting permission from her father-in-law. FML.

In order to win over the love of my life, I killed 200 men and collected their foreskins for her father; too bad he only asked for 100. FML. (But hey, I got the girl!)

I almost ordered a baby to be cut in half in order to determine who his real mother was. FML.

I was guilted by a talking donkey into no longer spanking him. FML.

I talked my partner into eating a piece of forbidden fruit, and then God made us feel shame before kicking us out of our home. FML.

My dad brewed some wine on his vineyard, got drunk, and passed out naked. When I was the only son to make fun of him, my family line was cursed with slavery. FML.

I asked the king to have all Jews killed due to Mordecai's disrespect; too bad the queen was a Jew and Mordecai's cousin, resulting in my public humiliation. FML.

Jesus embarrassed me at the Last Supper by announcing me as a traitor . . . before I had even had the chance to betray him! FML.

God made me change my name and cut off part of my genitals as part of confirming the covenant with Him. FML.

God had me marry a prostitute, knowing in advance she would be unfaithful, and then made me show unconditional love to her by taking her back in the end. FML.

I was captivated by and in love with Rachel, but her father tricked me into marrying his other daughter Leah thanks to the wedding veil and darkness of the marriage chamber. FML.

My wife was killed for looking back at the burning cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, and then my two daughters got me drunk and raped me in order to preserve our family line. FML.

Per my mom’s agreement with the Angel of the Lord, I can neither drink alcohol nor shave or cut my hair. FML.

I reproved Herod for divorcing his wife and marrying his brother’s wife, so Herod had me beheaded. FML.

I had to take off my shoes and hide my face so I could talk to a shrub engulfed in flames. FML.

My jealous brothers stole my coat, tried to kill me, and then sold me into slavery. FML. (No worries, though - I got the last laugh in the end!)

Despite my stunning physique, a puny kid hit me with a rock, which proved lethal and allowed him to chop off my noggin. FML.