Quote | Comedian |
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. | |
I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality. | |
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. | |
I had to stop drinkin', cuz I got tired of waking in my car driving ninety. | |
When I was a little kid, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child … eventually. | |
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back. | |
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. | |
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is. | |
Have you ever noticed that anybody going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? | |
I’m not a good lover, but at least I’m fast. | |
I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age. | |
The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt. | |
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law. | |
Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me. | |
My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside. | |
When you're eight years old nothing is your business. | |
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. | |
I am not afraid of death. I just don’t want to be there when it happens. | |
You might be a redneck if...you've ever cut your grass and found a car. | |
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. | |
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