Quotable Comedians

Random Entertainment or quote Quiz

Can you name the comedians who said these funny quotes?

Featured Apr 30, 2009

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QuoteComedian
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
I had to stop drinkin', cuz I got tired of waking in my car driving ninety.
When I was a little kid, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child … eventually.
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Have you ever noticed that anybody going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
I’m not a good lover, but at least I’m fast.
I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.
The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.
Please, if you ever see me getting beaten up by the police, please put your video camera down and help me.
My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
When you're eight years old nothing is your business.
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
I am not afraid of death. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
You might be a redneck if...you've ever cut your grass and found a car.

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Created Apr 30, 2009Report
Tags:quote, comedian, funny, quotable