People or Things by FML

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Can you name the Person or thing by FML?

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Today, I discovered that we evolved from monkeys. FML.
Today, a BP oil tanker exploded in me. FML.
Today, I contemplated my existence while everyone around me started dying. FML.
Today, I transformed into a giant cockroach. FML.
Today, people keep tickling my tummy, expecting me to laugh. It hurts after a while. FML.
Today, a short guy started plucking off my gumdrop buttons. He dipped my leg in milk. FML.
Today, I got into fight with a nerdy seventeen-year-old. I died. He survived. FML.
Today, my hair caught on fire, my nose fell off, and I showed up to court in my pajamas. FML.
Today, I climbed the Empire State Building with the girl I love. Just when I thought everything was going smoothly, tiny airplanes started attacking me. FML.
Today, I shot myself in a club while wearing sweatpants. FML.

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