| Position | Player |
| LW/Love that Gucci that Prada | |
| RW/No one ever listens | |
| C/NBA Center | |
| Coach/Water splasher/The Fonz | |
| D/Breathe easy play hard | |
| D/M**** | |
| LW/Broken controller of the Playstation line | |
| C/Wierd eyebrows/Freddie Prinze Jr. | |
| RW/Worse than Hollweg/Token Black guy | |
| D/Coke head | |
| C/Little Leaguer | |
| | Position | Player |
| G/Glen Healy 2.0 | |
| D/Ginger | |
| RW/Greatest player ever | |
| D/Needs a fake ID | |
| LW/His family runs New York | |
| G/Superhero/rock star/model/Jesus | |
| RW/Coats | |
| D/Overpaid traffic cone | |
| RW/Glass groin | |
| LW/In Tort's doghouse since 1989 | |
| C/Alcoholics Anonymus | |
|