| Position | Player |
| C/Fattest person ever | |
| G/Ninja Turtle | |
| C/Ryan Leaf | |
| F/Rooster/The other white guy | |
| PF/C/The only player on this team that doesn't suck | |
| F/Ballhog/Donnie Walsh's lovechild | |
| F/The worst offensive player ever | |
| PF/C/Channing Frye 2.0 | |
| PG/The other, other former Bull | |
| G/Not Stephen Curry | |
| SG/SF/The neighbor on home improvement | |
| SG/At least he's better than Jerome James | |