| Quote | Character |
| Well I didn't want them like yours. I wanted mine in proportion. | |
| I do remember practicing kissing with Leslie. She was my best girlfriend. | |
| It was the only time church ever helped me out. | |
| And my mother kept saying 'If you don't stop setting your brother on fire, we're going to have to send you away'. | |
| Can I sit on your lap? | |
| For her, this is together. | |
| That's not a decision, that's a disease! | |
| And they said to me 'You're too short to be a boy, would you like to be a pony?' | |
| So I'm gonna be this kindergarten teacher. | |
| And they told me: 'No dice. You'd get lost on the football field!' | |
| | Quote | Character |
| Is this what you want? | |
| I'm from Boston and here I am! | |
| You take after your father's side of the family. The ugly side. | |
| You want to know the color of my eyes, how many shows I've done? | |
| There was a terrific salesman that came to our house, selling...selling... | |
| So...who we gonna hire? | |
| Because that's what Italian grandmothers do, lean out windows. | |
| I never knew what they were for or against really. Except each other. | |
| I could make $60 an hour working the strip joints outside New York City. | |
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