| Quote | Character | Episode |
|---|
| 'You, uh, you should have put him in custardy' | |
| 'This is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the hell out of here' | |
| 'Through simple concentration I can both raise and lower my cholesterol' | |
| 'I think green is kind of whorish' | |
| 'Why 'of course'? What's that supposed to mean?' | |
| 'Moms, primarily. Yep, soccer moms, single moms, NASCAR moms, any type of mom really' | |
| 'I used to say 'don't go there', but that's lame' | |
| 'What has two thumbs and likes to bone your mom? This guy!' | |
| 'Kevin and I play this paper football game when Michael's out' | |
| 'I hope the war goes on for ever and that Ryan gets drafted' | |
| 'I'm guessing Angela is the one in the neighborhood that gives the trick-or-treaters toothbrushes. Pennies. Walnuts' | |
| 'You know a ton of 14-year-old girls?' | |
| 'Wait who's 'Dwigt'?' | |
| 'Well, I'm not asking for a raise, I'm actually asking for a pay decrease' | |
| 'Not so fast, 'fire guy.'' | |
| 'What line of work you in, Bob?' | |
| 'It's a fake wheel, dummy!' | |
| 'Ryan is... dead' | |
| 'Oooh! ...Which one is Pam?' | |
| 'Beyonce; pink, the color; Pink, the person; hot dogs... basically, anything that is awesome. Snow cones...' | |
| 'But I don't see it that way. You know why not? Because I'm 'collarblind'' | |
| 'New York, New York. City so nice they named it twice. Manhattan is the other name' | |
| I misspelled, in front of the entire school, the word 'failure.'' | |
| 'Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life' | |
| 'Yes. But don't expect any cookie' | |
| 'You look cute today, Dwight' | |
| 'Then why is there a picture of a white man on the door?' | |
| '...And it's a school night. And, you know, Hooters is catering. You know. Is that- is that enough? Should I keep going?' | |
| 'You don't call retarded people retards. It's bad taste' | |
| 'I love inside jokes. Love to be a part of one someday' | |
| 'Saboteur! I'm going to kill you for real. This game-- the game is over. I'm really going to shoot you' | |
| 'You know a human can go on several hours after being decapitated' | |
| '364 days... 'til the next Pretzel Day' | |
| 'Indians do not eat monkey brains. And if they do... sign me up. Because I am sure that they are very tasty and nutritional' | |
| 'Dwight, at eight a.m. today, someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions will follow' | |
| 'I'm always thinking one step ahead. Like a... carpenter... that makes stairs' | |
| 'I had Martin explain to me three times what he got arrested for because it sounds an awful lot like what I do here everyday' | |
| 'And then... suddenly she's not your ho no mo'' | |
| 'Yep, it's English, it's 'impossible.'' | |
| | Quote | Character | Episode |
|---|
| 'Oh hello Oscar. How was your gay-cation?' | |
| 'That... was an overreaction' | |
| 'That, is not the real Ben Franklin. I am 99% sure' | |
| 'I look really good in white' | |
| 'Do you have the tools to turn a wooden mop handle into a stake?' | |
| 'Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh my God, what am I saying' | |
| 'Are you wearing lady clothes? Those look like lady pants' | |
| 'I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can't say, but yes' | |
| 'Fact. Bears eat beets. Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica' | |
| 'If that's flashing then lock me up' | |
| 'About forty times a year, Michael gets really sick but has no symptoms. Dwight is always gravely concerned' | |
| 'What's up, Big Haircut? You are no longer Big Tuna. From henceforth you shall be known as Big Haircut' | |
| 'One day Michael came in, complaining about a speed bump, on the highway... I wonder who he ran over then' | |
| 'You can't base who gets new clients on who you're sleeping with that week. Okay?' | |
| 'They say you should never mix business with pleasure. Really? Then explain to me how a putt-putt golf company operates' | |
| 'I DECLARE BANKRUPTCY!' | |
| 'Absolutely everything was the same. Except I could fly' | |
| 'Besides having sex with men, I would say the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about me' | |
| 'When Michael plays the hypothetical game, I always say yes. And I am always busy' | |
| 'I don't talk trash, I talk smack. They're totally different' | |
| 'You burn it you buy it!' | |
| 'No. Alright? No she can't fit on a rowboat.' | |
| 'I have an announcement, uh, to make. I am moving to Costa Rica' | |
| 'That's when someone really gets in your face, you know you just, start ticklin' 'em' | |
| 'I fell in the sand trap' | |
| 'What is wrong with this woman? She's asking about stuff that's nobody's business. 'What do I do?' Really, what do I do here?' | |
| 'Wait back up. Do you think that I'm retarded?' | |
| 'Yeah. I took Intro to Philosophy, twice! No big deal' | |
| 'Twelve hundred dollars is what I spent on my whole bomb shelter. For that kind of money, this stroller, should be indestructible' | |
| 'So much for sex without consequences' | |
| 'You know I once dated a couple guys from Cornell. They were really nice. They gave me a ride home' | |
| 'Dwight get out of my nook!' | |
| 'Have you seen her painting, Jim? The building? There are shadows coming from two directions. What!? Are there two suns?' | |
| 'That seems awfully mean. But sometimes the ends justify the mean' | |
| 'Look, I really need this new chair. I mean, seriously, how is it possible that in five years I've had two engagement rings, and only one chair?' | |
| 'There are several ways to kill a zombie. But the most satisfying one, is to stab it in the brain, with a wooden stick' | |
| 'How about, I'm sorry I did such a whorish job filling out this form' | |
| 'A painting can be beautiful, but I don't want to bang a painting' | |
| 'If it were an iPod it would be a shuffle!' | |
| | Quote | Character | Episode |
|---|
| 'Fortunately my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's' | |
| 'That's cool. Hey you know what's even cooler than triceratops? Every other dinosaur that ever existed!' | |
| 'I honestly don't know how you can work with that jackass. And that other jackass and the new jackass' | |
| 'I just wanna say that this golden ticket idea is one of the most brilliant signs of initiative I've ever seen at this company' | |
| 'You pet the animals, they pet you back' | |
| 'You know what? I had a great time at prom. And no one said yes to that either' | |
| 'Yep. I used to play soccer in school. From second to forth grade. I was on the orange team' | |
| 'I thought Rajini Ghanda was a boy's name' | |
| 'How is, uh, Tom. The homosexual sophomore?' | |
| 'Well well well. How the turn tables--' | |
| 'So hey. I wanna, set you up with my daughter' | |
| 'I'm not sure but I'm pretty sure I'm in a dance-off!' | |
| 'Hey, nice day, huh? Must be nice to get a rest from all your rest' | |
| 'Who's the OB/GYN?' | |
| 'Is there anything I can do to make it more pleasurable for me or for Dr. Shandri? My main concern is should I have a safe word?' | |
| 'Go ahead, name a country that doesn't have two presidents. A boat that sets sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism be, without the popes' | |
| 'The peeing is fast, Oscar. It's getting my tie back on' | |
| 'If the salad is on top, I send it back' | |
| 'You know, I really would've appreciated a heads up that you were into dating mothers. I would've introduced you to mine' | |
| 'Yes. I am the popular social networking site known as Bookface' | |
| 'You give me a gift? Bam! Thank You note. You invite me somewhere? Pow! RSVP. You do me a favor? Wham! Favor returned. Do not test my politeness.' | |
| 'Voodoo Mama Juju, the witch doctor of the Savannah swamp' | |
| 'Hate to break it to you Oscar, but some of us like boobs' | |
| 'I've always wondered what it might be like to be an accountant' | |
| 'Nobody's ever let me sit on their lap before.' | |
| 'Calculating...Calculating...Pacific!' | |
| 'Have you tried making everything smaller?' | |
| 'Manuel who?' | |
| 'Kevin has an enormous heart. Literally he has an elephant heart, he had a transplant.' | |
| 'I mean, you're here at work, the baby thinks that the refrigerator is its father.' | |
| 'You couldn't handle my undivided attention.' | |
| 'Yeah, the, uh the whole gang. Matt included.' | |
| 'They're making fun of Cookie Monster. I get that. But in a strange way, it feels like they're making fun of me.' | |
| 'Eso es lo que dice el!' | |
| 'Darnell's a chump. I would've done it for anything. I've done a lot more for a lot less.' | |
| 'OK, Morgan Freeman, narrating everything.' | |
| 'I noticed you've had a good year. Good boy. You turning that money into more money?' | |
|
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