| Quote | Anchor |
|---|
| The Swiss government has finally broken with its historical neutrality, by announcing today that, in the event of nuclear war, it will ally itself with the winner. | |
| Seventy percent of diners polled this week said there should be no smoking in restaurants. And eighty percent of diners said that restaurants should give away their food for free. | |
| In Miami, Madonna is suing over the name of a strip club called 'Club Madonna.' The owner filed a countersuit claiming 'Club Madonna' is not the name but simply a suggestion. | |
| Rock star Elton John has revealed he is bisexual. The statement was made this week in a two-part interview. | |
| A woman in England paid over $17,000 for her cat to spend six days in an oxygen tent to cure his paralyzed larynx. The cat showed its gratitude by briefly holding eye contact. | |
| Benjamin Harrison Holcomb, the world's oldest man, died this week at the age of 111. Doctors say the official cause of death was 'cracking in half'. | |
| The next edition of The Real World will be shot in Detroit, as will several cast members. | |
| Daylight savings time ends tonight so we set our clocks back and gain an hour. To compensate tomorrow night on CBS, 60 Minutes will be shown twice. | |
| The Nobel prize-winning scientist who discovered Vitamin C died yesterday at the age of 93. His last words were, 'I guess this stuff doesn't work.' | |
| Kenny G has a Christmas album out this year. Hey, happy birthday, Jesus! Hope you like crap! | |
| | Quote | Anchor |
|---|
| According to a recent survey, 70% of this pie chart is yellow while the remaining 30% is blue. | |
| This week marked the 5,000th performance of the Broadway musical “Cats.” It also marked the 5,000th time a guy turned to his wife and said, 'What the hell is this?' | |
| President Clinton visited Vietnam this week and, to balance things out, John McCain got high and made out with some British college girls. | |
| The FDA announced today that while 1 ounce of Special K with 4 ounces of milk is a good dietary source of protein, 1 ounce of Special K with 5 ounces of milk is DEADLY POISON. | |
| Spongebob Squarepants will begin airing in China in December, so millions of factory workers can finally know what the hell they’re making. | |
| DirecTV has filed suit against O.J. Simpson accusing him of pirating its satellite television signal. In an unrelated story, DirecTV has been stabbed to death. | |
| Actress Demi Moore turned 40 on Tuesday. But, she feels like a 25-year-old inside. | |
| A recent poll showed 32% of women think Hillary Clinton will leave her husband when his term of office ends. The other 68% of the women said that he promised them she would. | |
| Pop singer Björk turned 33 today. Hey Björk, happy bjirthday! | |
| A final note: this is my girlfriend’s birthday. Hi, Jackie. Happy 17th. | |
|
Fresh Prince of Bel Air
Name That Sitcom
TV Network Logos
