Weekend Update Anchors by Quote

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Can you name the SNL Weekend Update anchors by their jokes?

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The Swiss government has finally broken with its historical neutrality, by announcing today that, in the event of nuclear war, it will ally itself with the winner.
Rock star Elton John has revealed he is bisexual. The statement was made this week in a two-part interview.
DirecTV has filed suit against O.J. Simpson accusing him of pirating its satellite television signal. In an unrelated story, DirecTV has been stabbed to death.
Pop singer Björk turned 33 today. Hey Björk, happy bjirthday!
A recent poll showed 32% of women think Hillary Clinton will leave her husband when his term of office ends. The other 68% of the women said that he promised them she would.
According to a recent survey, 70% of this pie chart is yellow while the remaining 30% is blue.
Seventy percent of diners polled this week said there should be no smoking in restaurants. And eighty percent of diners said that restaurants should give away their food for free.
The FDA announced today that while 1 ounce of Special K with 4 ounces of milk is a good dietary source of protein, 1 ounce of Special K with 5 ounces of milk is DEADLY POISON.
Daylight savings time ends tonight so we set our clocks back and gain an hour. To compensate tomorrow night on CBS, 60 Minutes will be shown twice.
This week marked the 5,000th performance of the Broadway musical “Cats.” It also marked the 5,000th time a guy turned to his wife and said, 'What the hell is this?'
QuoteAnchor
Spongebob Squarepants will begin airing in China in December, so millions of factory workers can finally know what the hell they’re making.
In Miami, Madonna is suing over the name of a strip club called 'Club Madonna.' The owner filed a countersuit claiming 'Club Madonna' is not the name but simply a suggestion.
President Clinton visited Vietnam this week and, to balance things out, John McCain got high and made out with some British college girls.
The next edition of The Real World will be shot in Detroit, as will several cast members.
A final note: this is my girlfriend’s birthday. Hi, Jackie. Happy 17th.
A woman in England paid over $17,000 for her cat to spend six days in an oxygen tent to cure his paralyzed larynx. The cat showed its gratitude by briefly holding eye contact.
Actress Demi Moore turned 40 on Tuesday. But, she feels like a 25-year-old inside.
Benjamin Harrison Holcomb, the world's oldest man, died this week at the age of 111. Doctors say the official cause of death was 'cracking in half'.
Kenny G has a Christmas album out this year. Hey, happy birthday, Jesus! Hope you like crap!
The Nobel prize-winning scientist who discovered Vitamin C died yesterday at the age of 93. His last words were, 'I guess this stuff doesn't work.'

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