I've always had a thing for Santa Claus. In case you didn't notice. It's like some deep-seated childhood thing.
- Are you saying there's something wrong with my gear? - I'm sorry, your 'gear'? - My ****stick. - Willie, take a seat. You know how your blood sugar is.
You can't drink worth s***.
- It was real, but I got sick and all the hair fell out. - How come? - I loved a woman who wasn't clean. - Mrs. Santa?
- Sketch it up, you ****ing moron. ****ing Leonardo da Vinci. - What'd you call me, thigh-high?
- Looks like someone messed with my Advent calendar. - Nobody messed with it. It looks fine. - There's a candy corn in this one.
- I can always get another box jockey. - Yeah, and I can get another midget, too.
Well, wish in one hand, s*** in the other; see which one fills up first.
I beat the s*** out of some kids today. But it was for a purpose. It made me feel good about myself. It was like I did something constructive with my life or something; I dunno, like I accomplished something.
Look who's here! It's Santa! Tell Santa what you want for Christmas!
What about the elves?
- Four kids beat me up one time and I went crying home to my daddy. You know what he did? - He made it all better? - No, he kicked my a**. You know why? - Because you went to the bathroom on mommy's dishes?
- What's the North Pole like? - It's like a suburb. - Which suburb?
- Santa! - Yeah. - You're bringing my present early? - No. - But I never told you what I wanted.
You are really Santa, right?
- What is it with you, anyway? Somebody drop you on your ****ing head? - On my head? - Well, yeah. What—are they gonna drop you on somebody else's head? - How can they drop me onto my own head?
Is that your underwear?
- What do you want? - Fraggle-Stick car.
- Who the **** takes care of you, then? - Grandma. - Yeah? What's her name? - Grandma.
Should I fix you some sandwiches?
I brought you some orange juice.
How much lettuce do you want?
I'm an eating, drinking, s***ing, ****ing Santy Claus.