I've always had a thing for Santa Claus. In case you didn't notice. It's like some deep-seated childhood thing.

- Are you saying there's something wrong with my gear?
- I'm sorry, your 'gear'?
- My ****stick.
- Willie, take a seat. You know how your blood sugar is.

You can't drink worth s***.

- It was real, but I got sick and all the hair fell out.
- How come?
- I loved a woman who wasn't clean.
- Mrs. Santa?

- Sketch it up, you ****ing moron. ****ing Leonardo da Vinci.
- What'd you call me, thigh-high?

- Looks like someone messed with my Advent calendar.
- Nobody messed with it. It looks fine.
- There's a candy corn in this one.

- I can always get another box jockey.
- Yeah, and I can get another midget, too.

Well, wish in one hand, s*** in the other; see which one fills up first.

I beat the s*** out of some kids today. But it was for a purpose. It made me feel good about myself. It was like I did something constructive with my life or something; I dunno, like I accomplished something.

Look who's here! It's Santa! Tell Santa what you want for Christmas!

What about the elves?

- Four kids beat me up one time and I went crying home to my daddy. You know what he did?
- He made it all better?
- No, he kicked my a**. You know why?
- Because you went to the bathroom on mommy's dishes?

- What's the North Pole like?
- It's like a suburb.
- Which suburb?

- Santa!
- Yeah.
- You're bringing my present early?
- No.
- But I never told you what I wanted.

You are really Santa, right?

- What is it with you, anyway? Somebody drop you on your ****ing head?
- On my head?
- Well, yeah. What—are they gonna drop you on somebody else's head?
- How can they drop me onto my own head?

Is that your underwear?

- What do you want?
- Fraggle-Stick car.

- Who the **** takes care of you, then?
- Grandma.
- Yeah? What's her name?
- Grandma.

Should I fix you some sandwiches?

I brought you some orange juice.

How much lettuce do you want?

I'm an eating, drinking, s***ing, ****ing Santy Claus.

- What do you want?
- A new bike.