Spoken or written contrition that accounts for 50 percent of human conversation.
Term used when the purity of setting something aflame gets all tainted by meddling police and lawyers.
Officer of the court who probably wouldn't have ruled that way but guesses the judge knows what he's doing.
Financial system in which a man in a nice suit tells you that he's sorry, but there's nothing he can do.
Delicious cut of sizzling man-meat that provides a bountiful feast for the eyes.
Pedal-powered mechanism that increases the speed and efficiency of getting hit by a car.
Game in which the object is to roll a heavy ball down a 60-foot alley, or lane, and knock down a set of 10 wooden pins in an effort to drown out one's sadness.
Period of increased investment and investor confidence that occurs when Wall Street employees are getting away with breaking the law.
Process by which the state takes the life of someone who seems guilty enough of a crime.
Portable mechanical saw that doesn't fit into your briefcase, so you'll just have to get to work early that day and put it under your desk before your coworkers arrive. And then at 3 p.m., it begins.
Board game that has evolved into a nuanced, cerebral battle of strategy and wit, though it was designed to be played by mashing the pieces together and making explosion noises.
Medieval system of moral, religious, and social codes governing knightly behavior developed because it was the only way to get into Lady Everilda's pants.
Live music event that everyone in attendance secretly wants to end soon.
Genre of writing that places value judgments on literature, film, visual art, architecture, and other creative endeavors, and which, quite frankly, appears to have been written by an insufferably precocious, attention-starved 9-year-old.
Tight-fitting women's undergarment popularized during the 16th century in response to the now-discredited medical theory that if not contained, a woman's ribs would become dislocated and begin floating to different parts of the body.
Daintier form of biking.
Automated mode of conveyance that accounts for 85 percent of the world's slow vertical movement.
Flawed system that everyone agrees is obsolete, but is thankfully only used to elect the president of the United States.
Moving staircase invented to prevent the stores on the second floors of American malls from going out of business.
Article of clothing a person wears to signify that you will have absolutely nothing in common with that person.
Flesh of an animal that probably would've loved to have sat down with you and helped you figure out an alternative source of protein.
Electronic communications device used to contact weirdos.
Vehicle for transporting a coffin halfway to a funeral and then, in a panic, back to the emergency room.
Abbreviation for the proper formal greeting ''Mr. Hello.'
Sound a cat makes when one is trying to jam it into a refrigerator lettuce bin so one can take a funny picture of it.
Regular fee paid to a company to ensure that, in the event of damage, illness, loss, or death, the company will withhold payment.
Most abundant chemical element in the universe thanks to a screw-up on the order form by God, who was overwhelmed while creating everything in existence and hastily filled out the damn invoice sheet without really looking at it.
Another stupid martial art where they don't teach you how to jump-kick on the first day of class.
Act of making a garment by interlocking loops of wool or yarn while periodically pausing and sipping the merlot that Becca brought.
Household location for an argument that started in the kitchen and needed somewhere to move to.
Gin-based American cocktail that has never been made correctly.
Popular kitchen appliance that uses radiation and radio waves to heat polarized molecules in food as if that's a completely normal thing to do.
Government agency that was once responsible for overseeing the space program of the United States but has since been reduced to organizing elaborate space-themed birthday parties for the children of billionaires.
Daily newsletter of the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP).
Fully occredited university in Los Angeles, California, with an occeptance rate of 42 percent.
Water-filled structure humans use for exercise, sex, eating, and murder.
Sound a duck makes when pennies are whipped at it.
Joke made by people who attended an Ivy League college.
Knock-your-socks-off, mind-blowingly exciting way to say ''boring.''
Loose approximation of something a notable figure once said that is then attributed to someone else.
System used for detecting the location, size, and distance of blips.
Regular sum of money employees are paid for doing their own jobs in addition to their fired co-workers jobs.
Subspecies of rascal.
Playground toy that consists of a fulcrum-mounted plank designed to remind some children that they don't even have one friend.
Athletic event in which a heavy round ball is thrown as far as possible and the only sport considered less graceful than carrying an air conditioner up seven flights of stairs.
Viral disease characterized by a painful skin rash and necrotic blisters that one can't help but do a Google image search of.
Sports-themed periodical that was popular for several decades before publishers figured out that they needed to create a service whereby sports fans could have the magazine shouted at them by a man with a goatee.
Seattle-based chain of coffeehouses founded in 1971 that has convinced millions of consumers to shrug and tell themselves that maybe coffee is supposed to taste this way.
Ancient sport in which participants ride waves on boards made from the skulls of their slain enemies.
Tactical unit trained to perform operations that fall outside the skill set of normal police officers, such as running, clearly assessing a situation, and pointing a gun and shooting it at the correct person.
Racquet-based game that is played until all three balls you brought are hit over the fence.
Adult stage in the life cycle of bread.
Single-occupant highway prison where traffic violators are incarcerated until they collect enough money to earn their freedom.
Quirky guitar-like instrument whose appearance signals it will be fine to step out and make a phone call during the opening act.
Mysterious object in the sky that may officially be deemed an alien vessel only after the careful and methodical elimination of one or two other possibilities.
Scheduled period of rest and relaxation during which one's everyday concerns and anxieties are experienced in a recreational setting.
Application of physical force by one human being upon another, the invariable result of which is the successful resolution of a problem.
Metallic formal wear required for fancier battles.
Venomous snake that can produce a rattling sound from its tail but generally has to be begged numerous times before it gives in and finally just does it.
Beaded manual counting device invented by ancient Sumerians to screw customers out of a fair price.
Recreational area that would be somewhat tolerable without all the sand, sun, and people. Also the water.
Person widely despised and maligned for visiting, admiring, and spending money in another person's town or city.
South American waterway surrendered to piranhas by the Brazilian government in exchange for the species' promise never to venture onto land.
Iconic wrought-iron tower that follows visiting tourists all around France in order to insert itself into every photo they take.
Images or sensations that occur during sleep in the minds of the clinically insane.