|Quote||C or 3?|
|No, I can't sleep. You sleep. I'm awake. I don't sleep. I don't blink. Am I bird? No. I'm a bat. I am Batman. Or am I? Yes, I am Batman.|
|Anyone I ever dated in high school turned out to be either gay or a girl dressed as a guy to get a journalism scholarship.|
|Oh, here comes stinky nerd face. Remember, we don't stop until he's crying.|
|There's something about you lately... makes me want to put my feet in your mouth.|
|This isn't even baby vomit on my jacket. It's mine. All mine.|
|It's been a pleasure fighting with you. Some of us won't make it. But there is a place where we will all meet again. And that place is Denny's.|
|-It's a rare condition called hyper-virility. Apparently my sperm shoot through the egg like bullets. Can you believe that?|
-I can't. But you can, so that's fine.
|What is this, Horseville? Because I’m surrounded by naysayers. Wordplay!|
|-The bathrooms are so much cleaner than at home. I don't know how they do it.|
-They clean them.
|Oh that's sarcasm, but I forgot to inflect.|
|Those jeans make you look like a Mexican sports reporter.|
|I discovered at a very early age that if I talk long enough, I can make anything right or wrong. So either I'm God or truth is relative. In either case, booyah!|
|Well, I don't believe in dibs, or love at first sight, or love, or best friends, or doing things, but it's good you brought this to me.|
|I wanna see if those wiener dogs are born that way, or if they start off normal and then get wiener.|
|Sometimes the right thing and the hard thing are the same thing. I read that on a tea bag.|
|Well, I hate to say I told you so, so I'll shout it through cuffed hands: I TOLD YOU SO!|
|-I think you should play the role of my father.|
-I don't wanna be your father.
-That's perfect. You already know your lines.
|Are you two an item? And if so, would that item be impervious to sabotage?|
|-I'm feeling pretty drunk.|
-Well, it's business drunk, it's like rich drunk. Either way, it's legal to drive.
|-This sword was one of a kind. It was forged by my ancestors.|
-I hump it.
|Do you need a sex tape released? 'Cause I got a weird one; it's night vision and you can see that his buddy is robbing me.|
|-You don't have a bag?|
-I could never deprive the world of the portion of my chest the strap would cover.
|-Listen, dammit, I'm a doctor.|
-Of history. In what emergency would you be necessary? If someone wanted to know whether the sixties were awesome or not?
|-Do you and your wife ever fight?|
-Not all the time. After her hysterectomy, she was in a coma, briefly.
|Quote||C or 3?|
|We are the only species on earth that observes Shark Week. Sharks don't even observe Shark Week, but we do.|
|The kid's gonna be a star, he's a young 'the Asian guy from Lost.'|
|I didn't realize we were really good friends. I figured we were more like Chandler and Phoebe; they never really had stories together...Sure, I'll do it, Chandler.|
|My nephew Jim was born on the treadmill at Bally Total Fitness; 20% incline.|
|-How many times have I come over and painted your apartment?|
-Three, and by the way stop doing that.
|Ambition is the willingness to kill the things you love and eat them in order to stay alive. Haven't you ever read my throw pillow?|
|Thanks, it's my own recipe. I use cheddar cheese instead of water.|
|-Do you know what Dylan Thomas said about death?|
-No, tell me.
-Okay, bluff called.
|I'll give you the same advice my father gave me the night I lost my virginity: just pick one; they all cost the same.|
|-Can we talk? One 'ten' to another?|
-I'm an eleven, but continue.
|-I'm a sexy dracula.|
-You mean a vampire?
-I don't need to know which dracula I am to be a dracula. Nerd.
|-I'm so sorry.|
-No, you're right. My feet are long and stupid. You can't unring that bell.
|If I have learned anything from my SIMS family: When a child doesn’t see his father enough he starts to jump up and down, then his mood level will drop until he pees himself.|
|Who hasn't made mistakes? I once french kissed a dog at a party to try to impress what turned out to be a very tall 12 year old.|
|The Italians have a saying...'Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.' And, although they've never won a war or mass-produced a decent car, in this area they are correct.|
|-Don't sue a stripper.|
-She's a stripper. Life sued her, and she lost.
|I could hardly drink my morning shower scotch.|
|He never wears a shirt; he never wears shoes: Why hasn’t he died from lack of service?|
|I was going to bring dessert tomorrow, so are there any foods that are making you nauseous lately? Please don't say a half sleeve of Oreos.|
|-I knew you would do this, take a happy moment and ruin it, just like you did when I won that scholarship at my high school graduation.|
-It should've gone to the other boy!
|As soon as my beeper went off I knew it was you. I've got a personalized vibration for each chick I used to put it to.|
|You can't force the fate, you just have to let it wash over you like a spray tan that won't take because your skin is too oily.|
|Your boos are not scaring me. I know most of you are not ghosts.|
|I will see you at 6:30, or as we English call it, gravedigger's biscuits.|