Doesn't sink, really. It just sits there booming endlessly as you look on aghast.
_{Detroit News}
—
One of the dumbest ideas for a movie...ever.
_{Reno News and Review}

A lumbering, poorly photographed piece of derivative sci-fi drivel, full of grunting extras scampering around in animal pelts and more dank, trash-strewn sets than I ever care to see again.
_{Entertainment Weekly}
—
Even if you were to classify it as a guilty pleasure, it would be the kind of sullying guilt that makes people leap from heights.
_Oregonian

More than 24 hours has passed since I watched the new Adam Sandler movie...and I am still dead inside.
_{Time Magazine}
—
The apocalypse starts here.
_{Detroit News}

It's like Little Nicky made ugly, passionless love to Meet the Parents, and this abomination is the result.
_{7M Pictures}
—
If someone told you about almost every joke in [film title], you would think they were either a sociopath or a budding serial killer.
_{MSN Movies}

A 150-minute simulation of life in a garbage disposal.
_{Metro Mix}
—
If it sounds as though the script was written in serial-novel form during an all-night mescaline bender, well, I have no evidence that it was not.
_{New Republic}

A film that begins badly and gets worse and worse, like someone who has been knocked unconscious in an accident and then bleeds to death because he gets no attention.
_{Detroit Free Press}
—
A rigli, rigli bad movie.
_{San Jose Mercury News}

Screenwriter Melissa Rosenberg continues her long tradition of scripting staggeringly banal, subtext-free dialogue and grasping at the profundity of her betters by quoting poetry in the prologues.
_{Austin Chronicle}
—
Almost sort of liked it.
_{Sacramento News & Review}

A children's comedy about talking animals that feels as if it were written by children or, perhaps, by talking animals.
_{New York Daily News}
—
To produce something as emphatically unfunny as this, the script's five-man team must have whipped themselves into a state of mutual delusion.
_{Sydney Morning Herald}

Within 5 minutes, I concluded that no one over the age of 4 could possibly withstand more than 3 minutes of those hideous rodent voices without suffering permanent damage.
_{Mountain Xpress}
—
Flails about in search of a creative reason to exist.
_{Village Voice}

The action equivalent of Jersey Girl.
_{Washington City Paper}
—
More like a strike out.
_{Boston Phoenix}

Kevin Smith has made a movie so false and blatantly icky that it's the film equivalent of making goo-goo noises and chucking a baby under the chin for 103 minutes.
_{New York Times}
—
I couldn't have liked this movie any less if Affleck had stepped off the screen and punched me in the face.
_{Las Vegas Weekly}

It's hard to imagine another director ever making his wife look so bad in a major movie.
_{Arizona Republic}
—
No yacht was harmed during shooting. It's the movie that's the shipwreck.
_{Rolling Stone}

While I think it's cute that people get all dressed up and have little parties going to this movie, the actual film is a hellish, embarrassing abomination.
_{Tucson Weekly}
—
I now have a fair idea how it might feel to be stoned to death with scented candles.
_{Chicago Reader}

A movie that's as thick as the earth, as enraging as fire, and about as watery and windy as a giant cinematic wet fart.
_{Sky Movies}
—
Unspeakably bad dialogue delivered by excruciatingly bad actors in a plot so illogical and stupid it kills unicorns.
_{Channel 10 Australia}

The height of folly, an endeavor as wrongheaded as The Postman, as foolish as any 'vanity' project of the past 20 years.
_{Orlando Sentinel}
—
It's finally happened—M. Night Shyamalan has lost his damn fool mind.
_{NYC Film Critic}

Wahlberg turns in one of his worst performances ever, but then he's saddled with preposterous scenes (like one where he tries to placate a ficus.)
_{Chicago Reader}
—
It has no sense of the fine line between the disturbingly grotesque and the outright ridiculous. The film even seems to be a parody of the scientific method.
_{Toronto Star}

It's a shame and a pity to see what they've done, Making a movie about magic that contains less than none.
_{Las Vegas Review-Journal}
—
Replace the 'C' with 'S' and 'H' and you'll be on the money as to what the filmmakers have done here.
_{Mountain Xpress}

Shapes hurtle toward you, then recede abruptly, each bearing some fragment of narrative information that has now passed you by forever. Nausea and anxiety begin to wash over you in overlapping waves.
_Slate
—
It sure does have some pretty colors. True, the film is a mess and a failure in nearly every other department, but you can't deny that those colors look great.
_{The Trend}

Myers—who used to be funny—sticks his head in a toilet and then tries to give the audience a big, sloppy kiss.
_{Fresno Bee}
—
It's just deadly.
_{Richard Roeper}

Rushed into production with no better drape for its threadbare gags than Cloverfield, this carpet-fouling mongrel of a movie no more deserves release than do anthrax spores.
_{Village Voice}
—
Leaves one with a feeling of failure—and the knowledge that, come this spring, these idiots will more than likely be back.
_{filmcritic.com}

This is only worth seeing if you can handle shallow characters and dull, plastic action scenes for the sake of unintentional laughs.
_{Empire Magazine}
—
Here's a movie that has nothing going for it except good bone structure.
_{Sacramento Bee}

Like Paths Of Glory, Apocalypse Now, and Platoon, [film title] is a difficult, harrowing work offering little relief or humor. Unlike those movies, though, [film title] is supposed to be funny.
_{AV Club}
—
A surefire reassurance that war is indeed hell.
_{Movie Eye}