|Quote||C, P, or O|
|I will have the spaghetti and a side salad. If the salad's on top, I will send it back.|
|You can yell at me all you want. I've seen enough movies to know that popping the back of raft makes it go faster.|
|I have it on very good authority that within 20 years everyone will be speaking German. Or a Chinese-German hybrid.|
|-Do they do stuff to your butt?|
-Do you get paid more if they do stuff to your butt?
-It's fine. I'll do it. I'm in.
|The less I know about others' affairs, the happier I am. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.|
|She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily when you're the guy you can just tell people she's crazy. That's what they always do on Entourage.|
|This girl was really rude to me at the mall, so I created a fake IM account from a hot guy at her high school, and now I'm trying to make her anorexic.|
|-It was on company property, with company property. Double jeopardy-we're fine. |
-I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
-Oh, sorry: What is 'we're fine'.
|Of all feelings to base a show around...'glee'? 'Thirst'--now that's a show I'd watch.|
|It's called a Complisult. Part compliment, part insult. He invented them. I coined the term. See what I just did there? That was an explainabrag.|
|I'm sorry are you eating Turkey Chili off of a frisbee?|
|Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga except I still get to kill something.|
|Am I going to tell them? No, I'm not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.|
|And then, my last job was at a Taco Bell Express. But then it became a full-time Taco Bell and...I dunno. I couldn't keep up.|
|Haircuts. There are three acceptable haircuts: High and tight, crew cut, buzz cut. Are the scissors broken in your house, son?|
|-We're registered at Linens N' Things.|
-We have plenty of linens; we mainly want the things.
| What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.|
|'When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.' I read that once. On a box of lemonade. But I like to think it applies to life.|
|I'm gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I mean? I'm not buying cocaine. I'm going to the bathroom. The wiz palace as I like to call it.|
|I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have 'network connectivity problems'.|
|I used to love Tiger Woods because he was a great champion. But after that sex scandal? The man is a god.|
|She has more fights about stuff that doesn't matter than a YouTube comment section.|
|Why does the Sun rise in the morning? Why do magnets stick together? Because everybody says so. Everybody.|
|Let me ask you, is there a term besides 'Mexican' that you prefer? Something less offensive? |
|Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.|
|-The problem right now is that he's calling me 'baby'. He's trying to hold my hands. It's getting a little relationship-y and...he gave me something.|