|Quote||C, P, or O|
|I wish my mouth was farther away from my brain. I wish my brain had its own brain.|
|I have run 10 miles a day, every day, for 18 years. That's 65 thousand miles. A third of the way to the moon. My goal is to run to the moon.|
|I call eggs pre-birds, or future birds. Root beer is super water. Tortillas are bean blankies. And I call forks...food rakes.|
|I will have the spaghetti and a side salad. If the salad's on top, I will send it back.|
|You drive. I got a car full of fox meat.|
|I'm sorry are you eating Turkey Chili off of a frisbee?|
|No, we leave the TV on all day long so burglars think we're home when we're not. Which is my idea that I'm trying to patent.|
|Haircuts. There are three acceptable haircuts: High and tight, crew cut, buzz cut. Are the scissors broken in your house, son?|
|-I noticed you've had a good year. Good boy. You turning that money into more money?|
-Are you referring to alchemy?
|The less I know about others' affairs, the happier I am. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.|
|I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have 'network connectivity problems'.|
|-What are you reading?|
-Oh! That is my favorite ocean.
|-You're a football player. It's in your blood!|
|This girl was really rude to me at the mall, so I created a fake IM account from a hot guy at her high school, and now I'm trying to make her anorexic.|
|Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.|
|-Do they do stuff to your butt?|
-Do you get paid more if they do stuff to your butt?
-It's fine. I'll do it. I'm in.
|Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga except I still get to kill something.|
|I'm gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I mean? I'm not buying cocaine. I'm going to the bathroom. The wiz palace as I like to call it.|
|'When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.' I read that once. On a box of lemonade. But I like to think it applies to life.|
|-That's one of my biggest fears.|
-If I ever woke up as a doughnut.
-You would eat yourself.
-I wouldn't even question it.
|I have it on very good authority that within 20 years everyone will be speaking German. Or a Chinese-German hybrid.|
|You can yell at me all you want. I've seen enough movies to know that popping the back of raft makes it go faster.|
|-We're registered at Linens N' Things.|
-We have plenty of linens; we mainly want the things.
|She has more fights about stuff that doesn't matter than a YouTube comment section.|
|Am I going to tell them? No, I'm not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.|
|What is it about me that make broken people flock to me? Is it my height? Do huddled masses mistake me for the statue of liberty?|