|Quote||C, P, or O||Characters|
|'When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.' I read that once. On a box of lemonade. But I like to think it applies to life.|
|She has more fights about stuff that doesn't matter than a YouTube comment section.|
|-I noticed you've had a good year. Good boy. You turning that money into more money?|
-Are you referring to alchemy?
|Oh I'm serious, baby. I am Yahoo Serious. I'm Serious FM. Welcome to the world serious of seriousness sponsored by Honey Nut Seerioes.|
|I have run 10 miles a day, every day, for 18 years. That's 65 thousand miles. A third of the way to the moon. My goal is to run to the moon.|
|At that moment, we stopped being a family, and started being a family...in italics.|
|-We're registered at Linens N' Things.|
-We have plenty of linens; we mainly want the things.
|It's called a Complisult. Part compliment, part insult. He invented them. I coined the term. See what I just did there? That was an explainabrag.|
|-Do they do stuff to your butt?|
-Do you get paid more if they do stuff to your butt?
-It's fine. I'll do it. I'm in.
|I'm sorry are you eating Turkey Chili off of a frisbee?|
|I'm gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I mean? I'm not buying cocaine. I'm going to the bathroom. The wiz palace as I like to call it.|
|Of all feelings to base a show around...'glee'? 'Thirst'--now that's a show I'd watch.|
| What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.|
|Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don't Cost a Thing-which is based on Can't Buy Me Love, which was based on Kramer Vs. Kramer or something, which I think was Shakespeare.|
|I will have the spaghetti and a side salad. If the salad's on top, I will send it back.|
|My goal was to learn a new word every day, and I must say that it is going immensely.|
|Am I going to tell them? No, I'm not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.|
|I call eggs pre-birds, or future birds. Root beer is super water. Tortillas are bean blankies. And I call forks...food rakes.|
|This girl was really rude to me at the mall, so I created a fake IM account from a hot guy at her high school, and now I'm trying to make her anorexic.|
|She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily when you're the guy you can just tell people she's crazy. That's what they always do on Entourage.|
|Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga except I still get to kill something.|
|Let me ask you, is there a term besides 'Mexican' that you prefer? Something less offensive? |
|I used to love Tiger Woods because he was a great champion. But after that sex scandal? The man is a god.|
|You know who has real conversations? Ants. They talk by vomiting chemicals in each other's mouths. They get right down to brass tacks.|
|I wish my mouth was farther away from my brain. I wish my brain had its own brain.|
|When you guys first came in we were as wholesome and healthy as the family in The Brady Bunch. And now we're as dysfunctional and incestuous as the cast of The Brady Bunch.|