|Quote||C, P, or O|
|-I have a hernia.|
-Do you have syphilis?
-I said I have a hernia.
-I know. It's possible to have two things at once.
|When you guys first came in we were as wholesome and healthy as the family in The Brady Bunch. And now we're as dysfunctional and incestuous as the cast of The Brady Bunch.|
|-Who the hell is 'Fwarp'?|
-I don't know. I couldn't really hear him. It sounded like his name was Fwarp.
-Get his number?
|I have it on very good authority that within 20 years everyone will be speaking German. Or a Chinese-German hybrid.|
|I was never one to hold a grudge. My father held grudges. I'll always hate him for that.|
|'When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.' I read that once. On a box of lemonade. But I like to think it applies to life.|
|I have run 10 miles a day, every day, for 18 years. That's 65 thousand miles. A third of the way to the moon. My goal is to run to the moon.|
|While I was alseep he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literally woke up with his hand in my mouth. We went out a couple times after that but then he got weird.|
|Let me ask you, is there a term besides 'Mexican' that you prefer? Something less offensive? |
|Haircuts. There are three acceptable haircuts: High and tight, crew cut, buzz cut. Are the scissors broken in your house, son?|
|I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have 'network connectivity problems'.|
|Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga except I still get to kill something.|
|At that moment, we stopped being a family, and started being a family...in italics.|
|I used to love Tiger Woods because he was a great champion. But after that sex scandal? The man is a god.|
|I wish my mouth was farther away from my brain. I wish my brain had its own brain.|
|My goal was to learn a new word every day, and I must say that it is going immensely.|
| What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.|
|I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday, for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.|
|Am I going to tell them? No, I'm not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.|
|Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.|
|You can yell at me all you want. I've seen enough movies to know that popping the back of raft makes it go faster.|
|It's called a Complisult. Part compliment, part insult. He invented them. I coined the term. See what I just did there? That was an explainabrag.|
|Why does the Sun rise in the morning? Why do magnets stick together? Because everybody says so. Everybody.|
|She has more fights about stuff that doesn't matter than a YouTube comment section.|
|The less I know about others' affairs, the happier I am. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.|
|I call eggs pre-birds, or future birds. Root beer is super water. Tortillas are bean blankies. And I call forks...food rakes.|