|Quote||C, P, or O||Characters|
|I'm gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I mean? I'm not buying cocaine. I'm going to the bathroom. The wiz palace as I like to call it.|
|I have run 10 miles a day, every day, for 18 years. That's 65 thousand miles. A third of the way to the moon. My goal is to run to the moon.|
|I was never one to hold a grudge. My father held grudges. I'll always hate him for that.|
|Haircuts. There are three acceptable haircuts: High and tight, crew cut, buzz cut. Are the scissors broken in your house, son?|
|I used to love Tiger Woods because he was a great champion. But after that sex scandal? The man is a god.|
|I have it on very good authority that within 20 years everyone will be speaking German. Or a Chinese-German hybrid.|
|Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don't Cost a Thing-which is based on Can't Buy Me Love, which was based on Kramer Vs. Kramer or something, which I think was Shakespeare.|
|Why does the Sun rise in the morning? Why do magnets stick together? Because everybody says so. Everybody.|
|-It was on company property, with company property. Double jeopardy-we're fine. |
-I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
-Oh, sorry: What is 'we're fine'.
|I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have 'network connectivity problems'.|
|You know who has real conversations? Ants. They talk by vomiting chemicals in each other's mouths. They get right down to brass tacks.|
|And then, my last job was at a Taco Bell Express. But then it became a full-time Taco Bell and...I dunno. I couldn't keep up.|
|What is it about me that make broken people flock to me? Is it my height? Do huddled masses mistake me for the statue of liberty?|
|Am I going to tell them? No, I'm not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.|
|-We're registered at Linens N' Things.|
-We have plenty of linens; we mainly want the things.
|You should be like Calvin! His best friend was a tiger, he always went on dope adventures, and if anything stood in his way, he just peed on it!|
|It's called a Complisult. Part compliment, part insult. He invented them. I coined the term. See what I just did there? That was an explainabrag.|
|This girl was really rude to me at the mall, so I created a fake IM account from a hot guy at her high school, and now I'm trying to make her anorexic.|
|Oh I'm serious, baby. I am Yahoo Serious. I'm Serious FM. Welcome to the world serious of seriousness sponsored by Honey Nut Seerioes.|
|Would that this hoodie were a time hoodie!|
|I'm sorry are you eating Turkey Chili off of a frisbee?|
|-That's one of my biggest fears.|
-If I ever woke up as a doughnut.
-You would eat yourself.
-I wouldn't even question it.
|Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.|
|-You're a football player. It's in your blood!|
|I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday, for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.|