|Quote||C, P, or O|
|I was never one to hold a grudge. My father held grudges. I'll always hate him for that.|
|-I have a hernia.|
-Do you have syphilis?
-I said I have a hernia.
-I know. It's possible to have two things at once.
|-The problem right now is that he's calling me 'baby'. He's trying to hold my hands. It's getting a little relationship-y and...he gave me something.|
|I used to love Tiger Woods because he was a great champion. But after that sex scandal? The man is a god.|
|You drive. I got a car full of fox meat.|
|At that moment, we stopped being a family, and started being a family...in italics.|
|-You're a football player. It's in your blood!|
|You can yell at me all you want. I've seen enough movies to know that popping the back of raft makes it go faster.|
|The less I know about others' affairs, the happier I am. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.|
|-Do they do stuff to your butt?|
-Do you get paid more if they do stuff to your butt?
-It's fine. I'll do it. I'm in.
|What is it about me that make broken people flock to me? Is it my height? Do huddled masses mistake me for the statue of liberty?|
|What sort of movie would Rudy have been if he'd just stopped and given up after two rejections? Would've been a lot shorter. Probably been a lot funnier.|
|I'm gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I mean? I'm not buying cocaine. I'm going to the bathroom. The wiz palace as I like to call it.|
|'When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.' I read that once. On a box of lemonade. But I like to think it applies to life.|
|-We're registered at Linens N' Things.|
-We have plenty of linens; we mainly want the things.
|Why does the Sun rise in the morning? Why do magnets stick together? Because everybody says so. Everybody.|
|And then, my last job was at a Taco Bell Express. But then it became a full-time Taco Bell and...I dunno. I couldn't keep up.|
|You should be like Calvin! His best friend was a tiger, he always went on dope adventures, and if anything stood in his way, he just peed on it!|
|Oh I'm serious, baby. I am Yahoo Serious. I'm Serious FM. Welcome to the world serious of seriousness sponsored by Honey Nut Seerioes.|
|I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday, for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.|
|No, we leave the TV on all day long so burglars think we're home when we're not. Which is my idea that I'm trying to patent.|
|-I noticed you've had a good year. Good boy. You turning that money into more money?|
-Are you referring to alchemy?
|My goal was to learn a new word every day, and I must say that it is going immensely.|
|Am I going to tell them? No, I'm not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.|
|This girl was really rude to me at the mall, so I created a fake IM account from a hot guy at her high school, and now I'm trying to make her anorexic.|
|I have it on very good authority that within 20 years everyone will be speaking German. Or a Chinese-German hybrid.|