|Quote||C, P, or O|
|-I noticed you've had a good year. Good boy. You turning that money into more money?|
-Are you referring to alchemy?
|And then, my last job was at a Taco Bell Express. But then it became a full-time Taco Bell and...I dunno. I couldn't keep up.|
|The less I know about others' affairs, the happier I am. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.|
|-I have a hernia.|
-Do you have syphilis?
-I said I have a hernia.
-I know. It's possible to have two things at once.
|-That's one of my biggest fears.|
-If I ever woke up as a doughnut.
-You would eat yourself.
-I wouldn't even question it.
|It's called a Complisult. Part compliment, part insult. He invented them. I coined the term. See what I just did there? That was an explainabrag.|
|I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday, for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.|
|I have it on very good authority that within 20 years everyone will be speaking German. Or a Chinese-German hybrid.|
| What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.|
|Oh I'm serious, baby. I am Yahoo Serious. I'm Serious FM. Welcome to the world serious of seriousness sponsored by Honey Nut Seerioes.|
|At that moment, we stopped being a family, and started being a family...in italics.|
|When you guys first came in we were as wholesome and healthy as the family in The Brady Bunch. And now we're as dysfunctional and incestuous as the cast of The Brady Bunch.|
|My goal was to learn a new word every day, and I must say that it is going immensely.|
|I was never one to hold a grudge. My father held grudges. I'll always hate him for that.|
|She has more fights about stuff that doesn't matter than a YouTube comment section.|
|I'm gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I mean? I'm not buying cocaine. I'm going to the bathroom. The wiz palace as I like to call it.|
|No, we leave the TV on all day long so burglars think we're home when we're not. Which is my idea that I'm trying to patent.|
|-It was on company property, with company property. Double jeopardy-we're fine. |
-I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
-Oh, sorry: What is 'we're fine'.
|Of all feelings to base a show around...'glee'? 'Thirst'--now that's a show I'd watch.|
|I'm sorry are you eating Turkey Chili off of a frisbee?|
|I will have the spaghetti and a side salad. If the salad's on top, I will send it back.|
|You know who has real conversations? Ants. They talk by vomiting chemicals in each other's mouths. They get right down to brass tacks.|
|You should be like Calvin! His best friend was a tiger, he always went on dope adventures, and if anything stood in his way, he just peed on it!|
|Would that this hoodie were a time hoodie!|
|She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily when you're the guy you can just tell people she's crazy. That's what they always do on Entourage.|
|Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga except I still get to kill something.|