|Quote||C, P, or O||Characters|
|-Who the hell is 'Fwarp'?|
-I don't know. I couldn't really hear him. It sounded like his name was Fwarp.
-Get his number?
|Oh I'm serious, baby. I am Yahoo Serious. I'm Serious FM. Welcome to the world serious of seriousness sponsored by Honey Nut Seerioes.|
|She has more fights about stuff that doesn't matter than a YouTube comment section.|
|Haircuts. There are three acceptable haircuts: High and tight, crew cut, buzz cut. Are the scissors broken in your house, son?|
|-Do they do stuff to your butt?|
-Do you get paid more if they do stuff to your butt?
-It's fine. I'll do it. I'm in.
|I used to love Tiger Woods because he was a great champion. But after that sex scandal? The man is a god.|
|-I noticed you've had a good year. Good boy. You turning that money into more money?|
-Are you referring to alchemy?
|And then, my last job was at a Taco Bell Express. But then it became a full-time Taco Bell and...I dunno. I couldn't keep up.|
|You drive. I got a car full of fox meat.|
|At that moment, we stopped being a family, and started being a family...in italics.|
|She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily when you're the guy you can just tell people she's crazy. That's what they always do on Entourage.|
|This girl was really rude to me at the mall, so I created a fake IM account from a hot guy at her high school, and now I'm trying to make her anorexic.|
|I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have 'network connectivity problems'.|
|-You're a football player. It's in your blood!|
|I'm gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I mean? I'm not buying cocaine. I'm going to the bathroom. The wiz palace as I like to call it.|
|Anybody can be Prince Charming one day a year with the dinner and the flowers and all that. But you know what impresses me? When a guy can do that no days a year. |
| What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.|
|No, we leave the TV on all day long so burglars think we're home when we're not. Which is my idea that I'm trying to patent.|
|'When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.' I read that once. On a box of lemonade. But I like to think it applies to life.|
|You should be like Calvin! His best friend was a tiger, he always went on dope adventures, and if anything stood in his way, he just peed on it!|
|While I was alseep he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literally woke up with his hand in my mouth. We went out a couple times after that but then he got weird.|
|Let me ask you, is there a term besides 'Mexican' that you prefer? Something less offensive? |
|I wish my mouth was farther away from my brain. I wish my brain had its own brain.|
|-It was on company property, with company property. Double jeopardy-we're fine. |
-I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
-Oh, sorry: What is 'we're fine'.
|I have run 10 miles a day, every day, for 18 years. That's 65 thousand miles. A third of the way to the moon. My goal is to run to the moon.|
|I have it on very good authority that within 20 years everyone will be speaking German. Or a Chinese-German hybrid.|