|Quote||C, P, or O|
|Let me ask you, is there a term besides 'Mexican' that you prefer? Something less offensive? |
|While I was alseep he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literally woke up with his hand in my mouth. We went out a couple times after that but then he got weird.|
|No, we leave the TV on all day long so burglars think we're home when we're not. Which is my idea that I'm trying to patent.|
|She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily when you're the guy you can just tell people she's crazy. That's what they always do on Entourage.|
|What is it about me that make broken people flock to me? Is it my height? Do huddled masses mistake me for the statue of liberty?|
|And then, my last job was at a Taco Bell Express. But then it became a full-time Taco Bell and...I dunno. I couldn't keep up.|
|-Who the hell is 'Fwarp'?|
-I don't know. I couldn't really hear him. It sounded like his name was Fwarp.
-Get his number?
|-Do they do stuff to your butt?|
-Do you get paid more if they do stuff to your butt?
-It's fine. I'll do it. I'm in.
|-That's one of my biggest fears.|
-If I ever woke up as a doughnut.
-You would eat yourself.
-I wouldn't even question it.
|-You're a football player. It's in your blood!|
|Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don't Cost a Thing-which is based on Can't Buy Me Love, which was based on Kramer Vs. Kramer or something, which I think was Shakespeare.|
|This girl was really rude to me at the mall, so I created a fake IM account from a hot guy at her high school, and now I'm trying to make her anorexic.|
|Haircuts. There are three acceptable haircuts: High and tight, crew cut, buzz cut. Are the scissors broken in your house, son?|
|I have run 10 miles a day, every day, for 18 years. That's 65 thousand miles. A third of the way to the moon. My goal is to run to the moon.|
|I used to love Tiger Woods because he was a great champion. But after that sex scandal? The man is a god.|
|Anybody can be Prince Charming one day a year with the dinner and the flowers and all that. But you know what impresses me? When a guy can do that no days a year. |
|You drive. I got a car full of fox meat.|
|It's called a Complisult. Part compliment, part insult. He invented them. I coined the term. See what I just did there? That was an explainabrag.|
|Am I going to tell them? No, I'm not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.|
|I will have the spaghetti and a side salad. If the salad's on top, I will send it back.|
|-The problem right now is that he's calling me 'baby'. He's trying to hold my hands. It's getting a little relationship-y and...he gave me something.|
|-I noticed you've had a good year. Good boy. You turning that money into more money?|
-Are you referring to alchemy?
|What sort of movie would Rudy have been if he'd just stopped and given up after two rejections? Would've been a lot shorter. Probably been a lot funnier.|
|I'm sorry are you eating Turkey Chili off of a frisbee?|
|At that moment, we stopped being a family, and started being a family...in italics.|