|Quote||C, P, or O|
|At that moment, we stopped being a family, and started being a family...in italics.|
|-Do they do stuff to your butt?|
-Do you get paid more if they do stuff to your butt?
-It's fine. I'll do it. I'm in.
|She has more fights about stuff that doesn't matter than a YouTube comment section.|
|I have run 10 miles a day, every day, for 18 years. That's 65 thousand miles. A third of the way to the moon. My goal is to run to the moon.|
|-It was on company property, with company property. Double jeopardy-we're fine. |
-I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
-Oh, sorry: What is 'we're fine'.
|Of all feelings to base a show around...'glee'? 'Thirst'--now that's a show I'd watch.|
|Am I going to tell them? No, I'm not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.|
|While I was alseep he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literally woke up with his hand in my mouth. We went out a couple times after that but then he got weird.|
|-What are you reading?|
-Oh! That is my favorite ocean.
|-You're a football player. It's in your blood!|
|I'm gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I mean? I'm not buying cocaine. I'm going to the bathroom. The wiz palace as I like to call it.|
|You know who has real conversations? Ants. They talk by vomiting chemicals in each other's mouths. They get right down to brass tacks.|
|I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday, for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.|
|-That's one of my biggest fears.|
-If I ever woke up as a doughnut.
-You would eat yourself.
-I wouldn't even question it.
|I wish my mouth was farther away from my brain. I wish my brain had its own brain.|
|Why does the Sun rise in the morning? Why do magnets stick together? Because everybody says so. Everybody.|
|You should be like Calvin! His best friend was a tiger, he always went on dope adventures, and if anything stood in his way, he just peed on it!|
|I will have the spaghetti and a side salad. If the salad's on top, I will send it back.|
|Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.|
|This girl was really rude to me at the mall, so I created a fake IM account from a hot guy at her high school, and now I'm trying to make her anorexic.|
|I was never one to hold a grudge. My father held grudges. I'll always hate him for that.|
| What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.|
|You can yell at me all you want. I've seen enough movies to know that popping the back of raft makes it go faster.|
|I have it on very good authority that within 20 years everyone will be speaking German. Or a Chinese-German hybrid.|
|Let me ask you, is there a term besides 'Mexican' that you prefer? Something less offensive? |