| Quote | C, P, or O | Characters |
|---|
| You should be like Calvin! His best friend was a tiger, he always went on dope adventures, and if anything stood in his way, he just peed on it! | |
| I'm gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I mean? I'm not buying cocaine. I'm going to the bathroom. The wiz palace as I like to call it. | |
| While I was alseep he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literally woke up with his hand in my mouth. We went out a couple times after that but then he got weird. | |
| What is it about me that make broken people flock to me? Is it my height? Do huddled masses mistake me for the statue of liberty? | |
-The problem right now is that he's calling me 'baby'. He's trying to hold my hands. It's getting a little relationship-y and...he gave me something.
-Herpes? | |
-Who the hell is 'Fwarp'?
-I don't know. I couldn't really hear him. It sounded like his name was Fwarp.
-Get his number?
-No.
-Good girl. | |
| What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years. | |
-It was on company property, with company property. Double jeopardy-we're fine.
-I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
-Oh, sorry: What is 'we're fine'. | |
| Am I going to tell them? No, I'm not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer. | |
-I have a hernia.
-Do you have syphilis?
-I said I have a hernia.
-I know. It's possible to have two things at once. | |
| Of all feelings to base a show around...'glee'? 'Thirst'--now that's a show I'd watch. | |
| I have run 10 miles a day, every day, for 18 years. That's 65 thousand miles. A third of the way to the moon. My goal is to run to the moon. | |
| Why does the Sun rise in the morning? Why do magnets stick together? Because everybody says so. Everybody. | |
| Would that this hoodie were a time hoodie! | |
-We're registered at Linens N' Things.
-We have plenty of linens; we mainly want the things. | |
-You're a football player. It's in your blood!
-That's racist.
-Your soul!
-That's racist.
-Your eyes?
-That's...gay? | |
| My goal was to learn a new word every day, and I must say that it is going immensely. | |
| Let me ask you, is there a term besides 'Mexican' that you prefer? Something less offensive? | |
| I call eggs pre-birds, or future birds. Root beer is super water. Tortillas are bean blankies. And I call forks...food rakes. | |
| Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don't Cost a Thing-which is based on Can't Buy Me Love, which was based on Kramer Vs. Kramer or something, which I think was Shakespeare. | |
| The less I know about others' affairs, the happier I am. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes. | |
| This girl was really rude to me at the mall, so I created a fake IM account from a hot guy at her high school, and now I'm trying to make her anorexic. | |
| You drive. I got a car full of fox meat. | |
| And then, my last job was at a Taco Bell Express. But then it became a full-time Taco Bell and...I dunno. I couldn't keep up. | |
| What sort of movie would Rudy have been if he'd just stopped and given up after two rejections? Would've been a lot shorter. Probably been a lot funnier. | |
| I'm gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I mean? I'm not buying cocaine. I'm going to the bathroom. The wiz palace as I like to call it. | |
| She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily when you're the guy you can just tell people she's crazy. That's what they always do on Entourage. | |
| Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard. | |
| The less I know about others' affairs, the happier I am. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes. | |
| Haircuts. There are three acceptable haircuts: High and tight, crew cut, buzz cut. Are the scissors broken in your house, son? | |
| I have run 10 miles a day, every day, for 18 years. That's 65 thousand miles. A third of the way to the moon. My goal is to run to the moon. | |
| I used to love Tiger Woods because he was a great champion. But after that sex scandal? The man is a god. | |
| I'm sorry are you eating Turkey Chili off of a frisbee? | |
| I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have 'network connectivity problems'. | |
-We're registered at Linens N' Things.
-We have plenty of linens; we mainly want the things. | |
| You can yell at me all you want. I've seen enough movies to know that popping the back of raft makes it go faster. | |
| You know who has real conversations? Ants. They talk by vomiting chemicals in each other's mouths. They get right down to brass tacks. | |
| I was never one to hold a grudge. My father held grudges. I'll always hate him for that. | |
| It's called a Complisult. Part compliment, part insult. He invented them. I coined the term. See what I just did there? That was an explainabrag. | |
| What is it about me that make broken people flock to me? Is it my height? Do huddled masses mistake me for the statue of liberty? | |
| Oh I'm serious, baby. I am Yahoo Serious. I'm Serious FM. Welcome to the world serious of seriousness sponsored by Honey Nut Seerioes. | |
| Would that this hoodie were a time hoodie! | |
| Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don't Cost a Thing-which is based on Can't Buy Me Love, which was based on Kramer Vs. Kramer or something, which I think was Shakespeare. | |
| You drive. I got a car full of fox meat. | |
| Why does the Sun rise in the morning? Why do magnets stick together? Because everybody says so. Everybody. | |
| My goal was to learn a new word every day, and I must say that it is going immensely. | |
| Of all feelings to base a show around...'glee'? 'Thirst'--now that's a show I'd watch. | |
| While I was alseep he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literally woke up with his hand in my mouth. We went out a couple times after that but then he got weird. | |
| Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga except I still get to kill something. | |
| I call eggs pre-birds, or future birds. Root beer is super water. Tortillas are bean blankies. And I call forks...food rakes. | |
| No, we leave the TV on all day long so burglars think we're home when we're not. Which is my idea that I'm trying to patent. | |
| Am I going to tell them? No, I'm not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer. | |
| What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years. | |
-Who the hell is 'Fwarp'?
-I don't know. I couldn't really hear him. It sounded like his name was Fwarp.
-Get his number?
-No.
-Good girl. | |
| I wish my mouth was farther away from my brain. I wish my brain had its own brain. | |
| Anybody can be Prince Charming one day a year with the dinner and the flowers and all that. But you know what impresses me? When a guy can do that no days a year. | |
| 'When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.' I read that once. On a box of lemonade. But I like to think it applies to life. | |
| And then, my last job was at a Taco Bell Express. But then it became a full-time Taco Bell and...I dunno. I couldn't keep up. | |
| I have it on very good authority that within 20 years everyone will be speaking German. Or a Chinese-German hybrid. | |
| This girl was really rude to me at the mall, so I created a fake IM account from a hot guy at her high school, and now I'm trying to make her anorexic. | |
| What sort of movie would Rudy have been if he'd just stopped and given up after two rejections? Would've been a lot shorter. Probably been a lot funnier. | |
| Let me ask you, is there a term besides 'Mexican' that you prefer? Something less offensive? | |
| I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday, for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna. | |
-Do they do stuff to your butt?
-No.
-Do you get paid more if they do stuff to your butt?
-No.
-It's fine. I'll do it. I'm in. | |
-The problem right now is that he's calling me 'baby'. He's trying to hold my hands. It's getting a little relationship-y and...he gave me something.
-Herpes? | |
-You're a football player. It's in your blood!
-That's racist.
-Your soul!
-That's racist.
-Your eyes?
-That's...gay? | |
-That's one of my biggest fears.
-What is?
-If I ever woke up as a doughnut.
-You would eat yourself.
-I wouldn't even question it. | |
| When you guys first came in we were as wholesome and healthy as the family in The Brady Bunch. And now we're as dysfunctional and incestuous as the cast of The Brady Bunch. | |
| She has more fights about stuff that doesn't matter than a YouTube comment section. | |
| You should be like Calvin! His best friend was a tiger, he always went on dope adventures, and if anything stood in his way, he just peed on it! | |
| At that moment, we stopped being a family, and started being a family...in italics. | |
-I have a hernia.
-Do you have syphilis?
-I said I have a hernia.
-I know. It's possible to have two things at once. | |
| I will have the spaghetti and a side salad. If the salad's on top, I will send it back. | |
-What are you reading?
-The Atlantic.
-Oh! That is my favorite ocean. | |
-It was on company property, with company property. Double jeopardy-we're fine.
-I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
-Oh, sorry: What is 'we're fine'. | |
-I noticed you've had a good year. Good boy. You turning that money into more money?
-Are you referring to alchemy? | |
Shakespeare (Not) in Love
Arrested Development Quotes
Name That NBC Sitcom (1980-present)
