|Quote||C, P, or O||Characters|
|I wish my mouth was farther away from my brain. I wish my brain had its own brain.|
|Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga except I still get to kill something.|
|I will have the spaghetti and a side salad. If the salad's on top, I will send it back.|
|Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don't Cost a Thing-which is based on Can't Buy Me Love, which was based on Kramer Vs. Kramer or something, which I think was Shakespeare.|
|-Who the hell is 'Fwarp'?|
-I don't know. I couldn't really hear him. It sounded like his name was Fwarp.
-Get his number?
|She has more fights about stuff that doesn't matter than a YouTube comment section.|
|My goal was to learn a new word every day, and I must say that it is going immensely.|
|I have it on very good authority that within 20 years everyone will be speaking German. Or a Chinese-German hybrid.|
|What is it about me that make broken people flock to me? Is it my height? Do huddled masses mistake me for the statue of liberty?|
|The less I know about others' affairs, the happier I am. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.|
|You drive. I got a car full of fox meat.|
|Would that this hoodie were a time hoodie!|
|Haircuts. There are three acceptable haircuts: High and tight, crew cut, buzz cut. Are the scissors broken in your house, son?|
|What sort of movie would Rudy have been if he'd just stopped and given up after two rejections? Would've been a lot shorter. Probably been a lot funnier.|
|-Do they do stuff to your butt?|
-Do you get paid more if they do stuff to your butt?
-It's fine. I'll do it. I'm in.
|She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily when you're the guy you can just tell people she's crazy. That's what they always do on Entourage.|
|I was never one to hold a grudge. My father held grudges. I'll always hate him for that.|
|This girl was really rude to me at the mall, so I created a fake IM account from a hot guy at her high school, and now I'm trying to make her anorexic.|
|-It was on company property, with company property. Double jeopardy-we're fine. |
-I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
-Oh, sorry: What is 'we're fine'.
|I used to love Tiger Woods because he was a great champion. But after that sex scandal? The man is a god.|
|You should be like Calvin! His best friend was a tiger, he always went on dope adventures, and if anything stood in his way, he just peed on it!|
|I have run 10 miles a day, every day, for 18 years. That's 65 thousand miles. A third of the way to the moon. My goal is to run to the moon.|
|No, we leave the TV on all day long so burglars think we're home when we're not. Which is my idea that I'm trying to patent.|
|Oh I'm serious, baby. I am Yahoo Serious. I'm Serious FM. Welcome to the world serious of seriousness sponsored by Honey Nut Seerioes.|
|-That's one of my biggest fears.|
-If I ever woke up as a doughnut.
-You would eat yourself.
-I wouldn't even question it.
|Let me ask you, is there a term besides 'Mexican' that you prefer? Something less offensive? |