|Quote||C, P, or O|
|She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily when you're the guy you can just tell people she's crazy. That's what they always do on Entourage.|
|Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.|
|-We're registered at Linens N' Things.|
-We have plenty of linens; we mainly want the things.
|I'm gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I mean? I'm not buying cocaine. I'm going to the bathroom. The wiz palace as I like to call it.|
|-What are you reading?|
-Oh! That is my favorite ocean.
|-I noticed you've had a good year. Good boy. You turning that money into more money?|
-Are you referring to alchemy?
|-You're a football player. It's in your blood!|
|I'm sorry are you eating Turkey Chili off of a frisbee?|
|'When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.' I read that once. On a box of lemonade. But I like to think it applies to life.|
|At that moment, we stopped being a family, and started being a family...in italics.|
|What is it about me that make broken people flock to me? Is it my height? Do huddled masses mistake me for the statue of liberty?|
|I was never one to hold a grudge. My father held grudges. I'll always hate him for that.|
|Why does the Sun rise in the morning? Why do magnets stick together? Because everybody says so. Everybody.|
|She has more fights about stuff that doesn't matter than a YouTube comment section.|
|Haircuts. There are three acceptable haircuts: High and tight, crew cut, buzz cut. Are the scissors broken in your house, son?|
|My goal was to learn a new word every day, and I must say that it is going immensely.|
|And then, my last job was at a Taco Bell Express. But then it became a full-time Taco Bell and...I dunno. I couldn't keep up.|
|It's called a Complisult. Part compliment, part insult. He invented them. I coined the term. See what I just did there? That was an explainabrag.|
|Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga except I still get to kill something.|
|-I have a hernia.|
-Do you have syphilis?
-I said I have a hernia.
-I know. It's possible to have two things at once.
|The less I know about others' affairs, the happier I am. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.|
|I call eggs pre-birds, or future birds. Root beer is super water. Tortillas are bean blankies. And I call forks...food rakes.|
|Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don't Cost a Thing-which is based on Can't Buy Me Love, which was based on Kramer Vs. Kramer or something, which I think was Shakespeare.|
|This girl was really rude to me at the mall, so I created a fake IM account from a hot guy at her high school, and now I'm trying to make her anorexic.|
|I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have 'network connectivity problems'.|
| What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.|