|Quote||C, P, or O|
|When you guys first came in we were as wholesome and healthy as the family in The Brady Bunch. And now we're as dysfunctional and incestuous as the cast of The Brady Bunch.|
|-Who the hell is 'Fwarp'?|
-I don't know. I couldn't really hear him. It sounded like his name was Fwarp.
-Get his number?
|No, we leave the TV on all day long so burglars think we're home when we're not. Which is my idea that I'm trying to patent.|
|My goal was to learn a new word every day, and I must say that it is going immensely.|
|Oh I'm serious, baby. I am Yahoo Serious. I'm Serious FM. Welcome to the world serious of seriousness sponsored by Honey Nut Seerioes.|
| What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.|
|Would that this hoodie were a time hoodie!|
|The less I know about others' affairs, the happier I am. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.|
|-The problem right now is that he's calling me 'baby'. He's trying to hold my hands. It's getting a little relationship-y and...he gave me something.|
|You can yell at me all you want. I've seen enough movies to know that popping the back of raft makes it go faster.|
|I'm gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I mean? I'm not buying cocaine. I'm going to the bathroom. The wiz palace as I like to call it.|
|Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don't Cost a Thing-which is based on Can't Buy Me Love, which was based on Kramer Vs. Kramer or something, which I think was Shakespeare.|
|-We're registered at Linens N' Things.|
-We have plenty of linens; we mainly want the things.
|What sort of movie would Rudy have been if he'd just stopped and given up after two rejections? Would've been a lot shorter. Probably been a lot funnier.|
|-You're a football player. It's in your blood!|
|Let me ask you, is there a term besides 'Mexican' that you prefer? Something less offensive? |
|While I was alseep he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literally woke up with his hand in my mouth. We went out a couple times after that but then he got weird.|
|I wish my mouth was farther away from my brain. I wish my brain had its own brain.|
|What is it about me that make broken people flock to me? Is it my height? Do huddled masses mistake me for the statue of liberty?|
|Am I going to tell them? No, I'm not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.|
|Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.|
|Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga except I still get to kill something.|
|-It was on company property, with company property. Double jeopardy-we're fine. |
-I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
-Oh, sorry: What is 'we're fine'.
|I'm sorry are you eating Turkey Chili off of a frisbee?|
|At that moment, we stopped being a family, and started being a family...in italics.|
|And then, my last job was at a Taco Bell Express. But then it became a full-time Taco Bell and...I dunno. I couldn't keep up.|