|Quote||C, P, or O|
|I have run 10 miles a day, every day, for 18 years. That's 65 thousand miles. A third of the way to the moon. My goal is to run to the moon.|
|You can yell at me all you want. I've seen enough movies to know that popping the back of raft makes it go faster.|
|I used to love Tiger Woods because he was a great champion. But after that sex scandal? The man is a god.|
|I'm gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I mean? I'm not buying cocaine. I'm going to the bathroom. The wiz palace as I like to call it.|
|-Who the hell is 'Fwarp'?|
-I don't know. I couldn't really hear him. It sounded like his name was Fwarp.
-Get his number?
|-We're registered at Linens N' Things.|
-We have plenty of linens; we mainly want the things.
|I'm sorry are you eating Turkey Chili off of a frisbee?|
|Let me ask you, is there a term besides 'Mexican' that you prefer? Something less offensive? |
|-It was on company property, with company property. Double jeopardy-we're fine. |
-I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
-Oh, sorry: What is 'we're fine'.
|And then, my last job was at a Taco Bell Express. But then it became a full-time Taco Bell and...I dunno. I couldn't keep up.|
|Anybody can be Prince Charming one day a year with the dinner and the flowers and all that. But you know what impresses me? When a guy can do that no days a year. |
|Why does the Sun rise in the morning? Why do magnets stick together? Because everybody says so. Everybody.|
|At that moment, we stopped being a family, and started being a family...in italics.|
|You know who has real conversations? Ants. They talk by vomiting chemicals in each other's mouths. They get right down to brass tacks.|
|-You're a football player. It's in your blood!|
|Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don't Cost a Thing-which is based on Can't Buy Me Love, which was based on Kramer Vs. Kramer or something, which I think was Shakespeare.|
|Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.|
|What is it about me that make broken people flock to me? Is it my height? Do huddled masses mistake me for the statue of liberty?|
|While I was alseep he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literally woke up with his hand in my mouth. We went out a couple times after that but then he got weird.|
|You drive. I got a car full of fox meat.|
|I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday, for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.|
|She has more fights about stuff that doesn't matter than a YouTube comment section.|
| What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.|
|I call eggs pre-birds, or future birds. Root beer is super water. Tortillas are bean blankies. And I call forks...food rakes.|
|When you guys first came in we were as wholesome and healthy as the family in The Brady Bunch. And now we're as dysfunctional and incestuous as the cast of The Brady Bunch.|
|-Do they do stuff to your butt?|
-Do you get paid more if they do stuff to your butt?
-It's fine. I'll do it. I'm in.