|Quote||C, P, or O|
|Haircuts. There are three acceptable haircuts: High and tight, crew cut, buzz cut. Are the scissors broken in your house, son?|
|What sort of movie would Rudy have been if he'd just stopped and given up after two rejections? Would've been a lot shorter. Probably been a lot funnier.|
|You know who has real conversations? Ants. They talk by vomiting chemicals in each other's mouths. They get right down to brass tacks.|
|I wish my mouth was farther away from my brain. I wish my brain had its own brain.|
|I have run 10 miles a day, every day, for 18 years. That's 65 thousand miles. A third of the way to the moon. My goal is to run to the moon.|
|Of all feelings to base a show around...'glee'? 'Thirst'--now that's a show I'd watch.|
|-I noticed you've had a good year. Good boy. You turning that money into more money?|
-Are you referring to alchemy?
|I'm gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I mean? I'm not buying cocaine. I'm going to the bathroom. The wiz palace as I like to call it.|
|-You're a football player. It's in your blood!|
|When you guys first came in we were as wholesome and healthy as the family in The Brady Bunch. And now we're as dysfunctional and incestuous as the cast of The Brady Bunch.|
|Would that this hoodie were a time hoodie!|
|Am I going to tell them? No, I'm not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.|
|I was never one to hold a grudge. My father held grudges. I'll always hate him for that.|
|Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don't Cost a Thing-which is based on Can't Buy Me Love, which was based on Kramer Vs. Kramer or something, which I think was Shakespeare.|
|She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily when you're the guy you can just tell people she's crazy. That's what they always do on Entourage.|
|The less I know about others' affairs, the happier I am. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.|
|You should be like Calvin! His best friend was a tiger, he always went on dope adventures, and if anything stood in his way, he just peed on it!|
|-Do they do stuff to your butt?|
-Do you get paid more if they do stuff to your butt?
-It's fine. I'll do it. I'm in.
|No, we leave the TV on all day long so burglars think we're home when we're not. Which is my idea that I'm trying to patent.|
|Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga except I still get to kill something.|
|Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.|
|I call eggs pre-birds, or future birds. Root beer is super water. Tortillas are bean blankies. And I call forks...food rakes.|
|While I was alseep he tried to pull out one of my teeth. I literally woke up with his hand in my mouth. We went out a couple times after that but then he got weird.|
|I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday, for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.|
|-I have a hernia.|
-Do you have syphilis?
-I said I have a hernia.
-I know. It's possible to have two things at once.