|Quote||C, P, or O|
|-That's one of my biggest fears.|
-If I ever woke up as a doughnut.
-You would eat yourself.
-I wouldn't even question it.
|Haircuts. There are three acceptable haircuts: High and tight, crew cut, buzz cut. Are the scissors broken in your house, son?|
|You know who has real conversations? Ants. They talk by vomiting chemicals in each other's mouths. They get right down to brass tacks.|
|And then, my last job was at a Taco Bell Express. But then it became a full-time Taco Bell and...I dunno. I couldn't keep up.|
|'When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.' I read that once. On a box of lemonade. But I like to think it applies to life.|
|Why does the Sun rise in the morning? Why do magnets stick together? Because everybody says so. Everybody.|
|She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily when you're the guy you can just tell people she's crazy. That's what they always do on Entourage.|
|-The problem right now is that he's calling me 'baby'. He's trying to hold my hands. It's getting a little relationship-y and...he gave me something.|
|What is it about me that make broken people flock to me? Is it my height? Do huddled masses mistake me for the statue of liberty?|
|I'm gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I mean? I'm not buying cocaine. I'm going to the bathroom. The wiz palace as I like to call it.|
|This girl was really rude to me at the mall, so I created a fake IM account from a hot guy at her high school, and now I'm trying to make her anorexic.|
|I have run 10 miles a day, every day, for 18 years. That's 65 thousand miles. A third of the way to the moon. My goal is to run to the moon.|
|-It was on company property, with company property. Double jeopardy-we're fine. |
-I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
-Oh, sorry: What is 'we're fine'.
|I was never one to hold a grudge. My father held grudges. I'll always hate him for that.|
|You can yell at me all you want. I've seen enough movies to know that popping the back of raft makes it go faster.|
|I used to love Tiger Woods because he was a great champion. But after that sex scandal? The man is a god.|
|I call eggs pre-birds, or future birds. Root beer is super water. Tortillas are bean blankies. And I call forks...food rakes.|
|The less I know about others' affairs, the happier I am. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.|
|What sort of movie would Rudy have been if he'd just stopped and given up after two rejections? Would've been a lot shorter. Probably been a lot funnier.|
|-We're registered at Linens N' Things.|
-We have plenty of linens; we mainly want the things.
|You should be like Calvin! His best friend was a tiger, he always went on dope adventures, and if anything stood in his way, he just peed on it!|
|Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.|
|Would that this hoodie were a time hoodie!|
|I have it on very good authority that within 20 years everyone will be speaking German. Or a Chinese-German hybrid.|
|Am I going to tell them? No, I'm not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.|