|Quote||C, P, or O||Characters|
|-Who the hell is 'Fwarp'?|
-I don't know. I couldn't really hear him. It sounded like his name was Fwarp.
-Get his number?
|-What are you reading?|
-Oh! That is my favorite ocean.
|You know who has real conversations? Ants. They talk by vomiting chemicals in each other's mouths. They get right down to brass tacks.|
|At that moment, we stopped being a family, and started being a family...in italics.|
|-Do they do stuff to your butt?|
-Do you get paid more if they do stuff to your butt?
-It's fine. I'll do it. I'm in.
|No, we leave the TV on all day long so burglars think we're home when we're not. Which is my idea that I'm trying to patent.|
|I wish my mouth was farther away from my brain. I wish my brain had its own brain.|
|Haircuts. There are three acceptable haircuts: High and tight, crew cut, buzz cut. Are the scissors broken in your house, son?|
|Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don't teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He's a grown man. Fishing's not that hard.|
|My goal was to learn a new word every day, and I must say that it is going immensely.|
|I will have the spaghetti and a side salad. If the salad's on top, I will send it back.|
|Am I going to tell them? No, I'm not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.|
|You should be like Calvin! His best friend was a tiger, he always went on dope adventures, and if anything stood in his way, he just peed on it!|
|-You're a football player. It's in your blood!|
|-That's one of my biggest fears.|
-If I ever woke up as a doughnut.
-You would eat yourself.
-I wouldn't even question it.
|I used to love Tiger Woods because he was a great champion. But after that sex scandal? The man is a god.|
|This girl was really rude to me at the mall, so I created a fake IM account from a hot guy at her high school, and now I'm trying to make her anorexic.|
|I'm sorry are you eating Turkey Chili off of a frisbee?|
|When you guys first came in we were as wholesome and healthy as the family in The Brady Bunch. And now we're as dysfunctional and incestuous as the cast of The Brady Bunch.|
|I have it on very good authority that within 20 years everyone will be speaking German. Or a Chinese-German hybrid.|
|I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday, for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna.|
| What is wrong with these people? They have no willpower. I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.|
|Would that this hoodie were a time hoodie!|
|I'm gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I mean? I'm not buying cocaine. I'm going to the bathroom. The wiz palace as I like to call it.|
|I call eggs pre-birds, or future birds. Root beer is super water. Tortillas are bean blankies. And I call forks...food rakes.|
|You can yell at me all you want. I've seen enough movies to know that popping the back of raft makes it go faster.|