I used to do drugs…

I'm against picketing…

I haven't slept for ten days…

This shirt is 'dry-clean only', which means…

I like vending machines...

My fake plants died…

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed…

I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map…

I order the club sandwich all the time…

I saw this wino; he was eating grapes...

An escalator can never break…

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus…

If I had a dollar for every time I said that…

I'm an ice sculptor…

If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener…

I have a vest…

I went to a record store that specialized in hard-to-find records…

I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry…

I love my Fed-Ex guy...

I'm glad they made Flintstones vitamins because I used to watch The Flintstones and go…

I find a duck's opinion of me…

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners…

I don't have a girlfriend…

I don't own a cell phone or pager…

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling…

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get…

Wearing a turtleneck…

When someone tries to hand me a flier, it's kinda like they're saying…

I would imagine if you understood Morse Code…

He's a hard act to follow. I'm a hard act to follow too…

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one…

I think Pringles' original intention…

You go to the grocery store you see turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna. Somebody needs to tell the turkeys…

A fly was very close to being called a 'land'…

I wanna be a race car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver…

If carrots got you drunk…