| Quote | Character |
| 'Baby! Ruth!' | |
| 'I feel like I'm babysitting, except I'm not getting paid' | |
| 'Chester Copperpot... Chester Copperpot!' | |
| 'Pinchers of Peril! I've been saved by my Pinchers of Peril!' | |
| 'I'm not a Goonie... I wanna go home' | |
| 'Andy! You Goonie!' | |
| 'The only thing we serve here is tongue' | |
| 'No, actually she's out at the market buying Pampers for all us kids' | |
| 'Francis, the lock!' | |
| 'I don't wear a hairpiece!' | |
| 'Sointenly! Where Motown started. It's also got the highest murder rate in the country' | |
| 'In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog...' | |
| 'Heh, if you hit the wrong note, we'll all 'B flat!' | |
| | Quote | Character |
| 'Okay, Brand. Michael Jackson didn't come over to my house to use the bathroom. But his sister did.' | |
| 'Kids suck' | |
| 'Mama! You've been bad!' | |
| 'I'm gonna hit you so hard that when you wake up your clothes will be out of style!' | |
| 'They've got Misissippi Mud and they've got Chocolate Eruption...' | |
| 'I don't like that language but that's exactly what you're going to be in' | |
| 'You know your voice is kind of nice when your mouth isn't screwing it up' | |
| 'Yeah and you looks are kind of pretty. When your face isn't screwing it up' | |
| 'You guys, I'm hungry. I know when my stomach growls there's trouble' | |
| 'Then some guy tells me I have stupid inventions. I've been spending months and months studying on them and inventing them. God!' | |
| 'My God, I'm in a crazy house!' | |
| 'That makes us the richest people in Astoria' | |
|