Phil: You can insult a lot of things about me: my hair, my voice, my balance-board exercises, but don't insult my selling. That crosses a line. What line? Oh, you don't see it?

Phil: Which is why we don't hide anything. Claire: That is the opposite of what I just said.

Haley: Okay, Mom, you can't have a problem with this one. I am Mother Teresa. Claire: Are you kidding me?

Mitchell: Let's just let Lily have a normal childhood.

Mitchell: Well, this one says 'when my daughter bit her brother, I put a pinch of pepper in her mouth. She cried and cried but she never bit again. Smiley face.'

Jay: Boys, here's the only thing you need to know about being a man. Never let someone take what is yours.

Jay: That's sweet, Phil. You gotta write that down.

Phil: This is my fault. You see me achieve excellence and it puts a lot of pressure on you. Claire: What about me?

Phil: It's like your shaking hands, but you're not using your hands.

Phil: We were, as they say, having sex.

Phil: You can't tell me your opinion doesn't matter. You changed me for the better in a hundred different ways. Yeah, I might miss a book or a, a salad here and there, but

Cameron: I'm taking the negative charge out of the word adopted - Yay!

Cameron: Why do you have to throw a wet blanket on my dreams? Mitchell: I do not. Cameron: You do it all the time! And you know what I end up with?

Luke: Let me work my magic. It's all about creative editing. Just give me two hours, and then another hour.

Manny: I have a tennis racquet upstairs

Alex: Dad, we haven't had lunch yet

Phil: Note to Claire, if you want intense family drama,

Cameron: Tell me all about Mitchell in high school. Did he have a beard?

Gloria: Oh, here we go, because in Colombia we trip over goats and we kill people in the street!

Cameron: Well, my white-man name is Tucker. I am 1/16 Cherokee.

Phil: It's like they say, sometimes God closes a door

Luke: I brought you some soda, but I couldn't find any straws