Jay: In fact, the only way he's like Superman...

Phil: Act like a parent, talk like a peer

Gloria:In Colombia, Manny went to Pablo Escobar Elementary School. If you were pulled out of class

Phil: Are you kidding me? I love it. It's so creative--coupons for hugs

Jay: I have to get old…

Claire: You think I smother our children? Phil: It's not your fault, honey, mother is part of the word.

Phil: I always felt bad for people with emotionally distant fathers- It turns out I'm one of them.

Cameron: So to recap, I gave her a gorgeous pair of diamond earrings

Claire: Our son is not weird.

Mitchell: Help! We locked our baby in the car

Phil: I am brave. Roller coasters? Love ‘em. Scary movies? I’ve seen Ghostbusters like 7 times. I regularly drive through neighborhoods that have only recently been gentrified.

Phil: That was hardly porn. It was a topless woman on a tractor. You know what they call that in Europe?

Mitchell: Take it down a notch,

Gloria: Good, Papi. If I can't fool you, then your teachers can't fool you either.

Phil: Every Realtor is just a ninja in a blazer. The average burglar breaks in and leaves clues everywhere

Mitchell: Yeah, we couldn't get tickets to Billy Elliot.

Gloria: I thought one of the advantages of marrying an older guy was that I was going to be able to relax. But all of this swimming and running and rowing

Claire: We could shoot him at 4:15. Phil: Yeah, I guess that works for me

Phil: I followed Hall & Oates around the country one summer. “Rich Girl” just spoke to me; I was dating this girl - not dating

Jay: No, see this is exactly why we sweep things under the rug.

Phil: Well, yeah, until you sweep too much under the rug. Then you have a lumpy rug…creates a tripping hazard…and open yourself up to lawsuits.

Mitchell: You had cheerleading and high school plays, making out with the quarterback, and... Claire: Oh come on, you made out with him, too.