There's a suitcase poking me in the ribs, there's an elbow in my ear. There's a smelly old bum standing next to me, hasn't showered in a year.

When I'm all alone, I just grab myself a cone; and if I grow fat and lose my teeth that's fine with me. Just lock me in the freezer and throw away the key.

Never gonna stop, eat it up. Such a tasty snack I always eat too much, then throw up.

How come you're always such a fussy young man? Don't want no Captain Crunch, don't want no Raisin Bran. Well, don't you know that other kids are starving in Japan?

But he's no bum, he works down the street. He bought the neighborhood deli. Back on his feet, now he's choppin' up meat. Come inside, maybe you'll hear him say . . .

I was there to match my intellect on national TV. Against a plumber, oh, and an architect, both with a PhD. I was tense, I was nervous, I guess it just wasn't my night.

Put down that chainsaw and listen to me. It's time for us to join in the fight. It's time to let your babies grow up to be cowboys. It's time to let the bedbugs bite.

One that won't raid the ice box. One that'll stay in shape. One that's never gonna try to migrate or escape. Or I'll tie him up with duct tape.

I finally made it through med school. Somehow I made it through. I'm just an intern I still make a mistake or two.

I'd rather rip out my intestines with a fork, than watch you going out with other men. I'd rather slam my fingers in a door again and again and again and again and again.

Well, I've been around, but I ain't never seen a guy who looks like a muppet, but he's wrinkled and green.

I pay the bills, I call the shots, I grease the palms, I buy the yachts. One thing I can guarantee: the best things in life, they sure ain't free. It's such a thrill just to be me

Walk real funny, bless my soul. Can't play tennis, and it's hard to bowl. You can't even do the splits now. Better call it quits now. I'm sick of all this dancin', anyhow

Everywhere the atom bombs are dropping, it's the end of all humanity. No more time for last-minute shopping, it's time to face your final destiny.

Would you like some-a zucchini, or my homemade linguini, it's hard to beat. Have-a more fettuccini. Ay, you getting too skinny, you gotta to eat.

One day he was shootin', Old Jed was shootin' at some food. When all of a sudden right up from the ground, there. Well, there came a bubblin' crude.

Put down your remote control. Throw out your TV Guide. Put away your jacket, there's no need to go outside.

If you need a spoon, keep one around. Carry a thermos to help wash it down. Now, if there's some left, don't just throw it out. Use it for spackle or bathroom grout.

Then we all just stared at the ball for a while and my eyes got moist, but I said with a smile, 'Kids, this here's what America's all about.'

What is this song all about? Can't figure any lyrics out. How do the words to it go? I wish you'd tell me, I don't know.

I recall the time they found those fossilized mosquitoes and before long, they were cloning DNA. Now I'm being chased by some irate velociraptors . . .

Well, I've got I've got a woman named Wilma. Well, I've got I've got a baby named Pebbles. Well, I've got I've got a doggy named Dino.

You can torture me with Donnie & Marie, you can play some Barry Manilow Or you can play some schlock, like New Kids On The Block, or any Village People song you know.

You see, my baby, she started to change. Started lookin' kinda strange. Wearin' all that white makeup and those black leotards.

I'm a man of the land, I'm into discipline. Got a Bible in my hand and a beard on my chin. But if I finish all of my chores and you finish thine . .

His buddy Bubba was a shrimp-lovin' man. His friend with no legs he called Lieutenant Dan. His girlfriend Jenny was kind of a slut. He went to the White House, showed LBJ his butt.

Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo. And he smiled as he said, with a twinkle in his eye, 'Merry Christmas to all, now you're all gonna die!'

Well, I know he built C-3PO, and I've heard how fast his pod can go. And we were broke, it's true, so we made a wager or two.

Spending all his time moping and avoiding the press. But my girl can't get enough of his sullen demeanor. Like he's some big tortured genious and I'm some kinda wiener.

He shops at discount stores now, just any will suffice. He has to find a bargain 'cause he won't pay retail price. He never acts meshuga and he's hardly a schlemiel . . .

You're usin' a 286? Don't make me laugh. Your Windows boots up in what, a day and a half? You could back up your whole hard drive on a floppy diskette.

Who's that waddlin' down the street? It's just me 'cause I love to eat. Fudge and Twinkies and deviled ham. Who's real flabby? Yes, I am!

Gonna get me a flashlight and a broom. Want a pair of pliers for every single room in my house. See those hacksaws? Very, very soon. One of them will be all mine.

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again? My love for you's like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

But then one day he went to that science lab. That mutated spider came down. Oh, and now Peter crawls over everyone's walls and he's swingin' all over town.

Ah, Satan sees Natasha. No devil lived on. Lonely Tylenol. Not a banana baton. No x in Nixon. O, stone, be not so. O Geronimo, no minor ego.

I am the type who is liable to snipe you with two seconds left to go, whoa. Got Paypal or Visa, what ever'll please ya, as long as I've got the dough.

There's no killer app I haven't run. At Pascal, well, I'm number 1. Do vector calculus just for fun. I ain't got a gat but I gotta soldering gun.

Secreting those enzymes. Secreting those hormones, too. Metabolizing carbohydrates just for me.

If I have one more pie a la mode, I'm gonna need my own ZIP code. When you're only having seconds, I'm having twenty-thirds. When I go to get my shoes shined . . .

Well, maple syrup and snow's what they export. They treat curling just like it's a real sport. They think their silly accent is so cute . . .

Soon, very soon, it will make all the paint peel off your walls. It'll make your keyboard all sticky, give your poodle a hickey, and invest your cash in stock in Euro Disney.

All the little girls and boys love that wonderful crunching noise. You'll know what this day's about when you stomp a weasel's guts right out.

Except she was always using the word 'infer' when she obviously meant 'imply.' And I know some guys would put up with that kind of thing, but frankly, I can't imagine why.

My life is brilliant. Your life's a joke. You're just pathetic. You're always broke. Your homemade Star Trek uniform really ain't impressin' me.

I strap prime rib to my feet, cover myself with raw meat. I'll bet you've never seen a skirt steak worn this way. Don't be offended when you see my latest pop monstrosity.

He ate his own weight in coal, excreting diamonds every day. He could throw you down a flight of stairs, but you still would love him anyway. Yeah, you know you'd love him anyway.

I'm doin' 34 shows every day and every time it's the same. Look at those hippos, they're wigglin' their ears. Just like they've done for the last 50 years.

You were a blonde half-Asian with a bad case of gas. I was wearin' red Speedos and a hockey mask. Come on, let's find that love connection that we missed.

Burn that microfilm buddy, will you. I'd tell you why but then I'd have to kill you! You need a quickie confession? We'll start a water-boarding session!