She was a fifteen. Like in Blackjack.

The real Wimbledon lasts a fortnight.

I can't believe you just got dumped by a six-year-old.

It was everything we dreamed of while watching Donny and Marie. She was a little bit country...

No one is turned on by a man's calves! They're a thoroughly unerotic body part!

You guys are the world leader in handgun violence, your healthcare system is bankrupt, and your country is deeply divided on almost every important issue.

This penny is over sixty years old. Did you know this penny was minted during World War II?

Karaoke is Japanese for empty orchestra.

Barney, see that girl?

Ow. Your hand is monstrous.

You know, Barney, Lily and I are a lot less cheesy than you make us out to be.

Does it make you kind of sad that we don't share the same last name?

I haven't been to the Empire State Building either, but I'm glad I got to go with my fiancee.

Canadian Thanksgiving celebrates explorer Martin Frobisher's valiant yet ultimately unsuccessful attempt to find the Northwest Passage.

It's like an angel from heaven landed at the kitchen at MacLaren's. Or the chef killed it and ran it through the meat grinder.

Sorry I missed your party again.

I never played any team sports.

Well, just to be fair it didn't go all the way through.

Last night at the hockey game, Curt got us into the locker room and I met Mason Raymond. Left wing for the Vancouver Canucks!

Marshall, you see ghosts all the time, even at Starbucks.

Ted, listen, can you hear that? That's the universe. The universe is talking to us.

Oh, I'm a vegan. I wish I could tune out the moral voice inside me that says eating animals is murder. But I guess I'm not as strong as you are.

There aren't any black people in Minnesota?

I don't believe it. I just got screwed by my two best friends, and I didn't even know it.

If I could nail any celebrity, it would be Lily, because she's the star of my heart.