If Tom Cruise...  he'd be.... 
If he were a trickster, he'd be  
If he managed a church, he'd be  
If he sang sad songs, he'd be  
If he had diarrhea, he'd be  
If he were an overeater, he'd be  
If he were unlucky, he'd be  
If he were a detective, he'd be  
If he were a lawyer, he'd be  
If he was a cobbler, he'd be  
If he worked with animals, he'd be  
If he was a boxer, he'd be  
If he liked flashy clothing, he'd be  
 If Tom Cruise...  he'd be.... 
If he were Mr. T impersonator, he'd be  
If he inspired an artist, he'd be  
If he worked in a soup kitchen, he'd be  
If he were infected, he'd be  
If he were a reporter, he'd be  
If he was from Israel, he'd be  
If he played pool, he'd be  
If he was always asking for money, he'd be  
If he was a heavy drinker, he'd be  
If he were into arts and crafts, he'd be  
If he slept a lot, he'd be  
