Religion / Who Would Have Tweeted It? - Bible Style

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Can you name the Biblical character who would have tweeted these sayings?

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SayingcharacterBible reference
Followed my dad all the way up a mountain for a sacrifice and the idiot forgets the sheep. Now what are we going to do?
Burning bush up on the hill side. Must. Go. See.
Wow I'm tired. If @Paul talks any longer, I might fall asleep and out the window.
Really @caesaraugustus? A census? Do you have any idea how long it takes to get from Nazareth to Bethlehem, with a pregnant...wife/fiancee?
Rumor has it @Jesus is coming to town today. Let's hope I can see him without climbing a tree.
I just stabbed a dude so fat, my sword disappeared inside his belly, including the hilt!
Ugh, @Mary refuses to help me in the kitchen because she's listening to @Jesus again. He'll help me out.
What in the world? I come in from the country and the Jews force a cross on my back to be carried for some dude.
Out with @Jesus and thousands of others. Just told Him about a boy who has five loaves of bread and two fish. Now what?
@Eve What? @God must be crazy! You won't die!
SayingcharacterBible reference
Stupid, cheap chief priests. 30 lousy pieces of silver for what I can give them. They don't know who they're dealing with.
What in the world? Israel has really lost it. They've sent a kid to fight me. A kid! Without a sword! This won't take long.
It's a boy! After 187 years, I finally have a son! We'll see how many others I can have in the next few centuries.
Let's see, go to Nineveh filled with crazed sinners or Tarshish. No contest! Tarshish here I come!
Holy crap I'm tired. I'd sell my birthright for some red lentil stew.
Running...to...the...tomb. @John is really fast.
New blog post in the 'I am' series. Part 6: I am the Way, the Truth and the Life. http://tinyurl.com/3f3nbne
@God Well I didn't have any clothes! What did you expect me to do? It was @Eve's fault anyway.
Resting after a long week of extensive creativity, but it's all good.
Wow, @Jesus must be crazy. He's talking about being born again and the wind and spirits. How can these things be?

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