Random Comedian Quotes

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Can you name the quotes from a stand-up comedian?

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QuoteComedian
If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?
Then they had the nerve to put a pimp on there. Now, they didn't go out and say he was a pimp. I know a pimp when I see one. They called him, 'The Count'.
*You showed up late to our very first date, I said 'how are you' you said 'white power'. Call me paranoid but I'm not overjoyed when you ask me if I want to shower...
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
The closest I ever came to death is when I masturbated with 103 degree temperature.
I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
'Hey I heard your grandma passed away, what happened?' 'Psssh.. She flipped her 'Vette, man.'
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
But Hollywood on its' moral high horse won't make a movie about a retarded chimp, unless you count a Vin Diesel movie, which I do. I do.
QuoteComedian
Have you ever seen someone you don't know, again? Like, you don't actually know ... it's like God is running out of extras for the movie of your life.
*And havin sex is like math homework, I do it best when I'm alone in my bed. And squarin numbers are just like women, if they're under thirteen just do them in your head...
It's just a filler, sort of. It doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'you're going to live' or 'it's a boy!'
We could've landed on a tiny iceberg. And there could've been just two penguins blowin' each other. And I would've been thrilled to see them.
Michael Jackson got married, how sacred is that s***?
I got caught masturbating recently to a national geographic magazine, not my finest moment. And I don't know who was more embarassed: me or my dentist.
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
Fruit: good. Cake: great. Fruitcake: nasty crap.
I'm on the corner of like Malcolm X... and like Danny Glover...

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