| Quote | Comedian |
|---|
| If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge? | |
| Then they had the nerve to put a pimp on there. Now, they didn't go out and say he was a pimp. I know a pimp when I see one. They called him, 'The Count'. | |
| *You showed up late to our very first date, I said 'how are you' you said 'white power'. Call me paranoid but I'm not overjoyed when you ask me if I want to shower... | |
| Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? | |
| The closest I ever came to death is when I masturbated with 103 degree temperature. | |
| I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that. | |
| 'Hey I heard your grandma passed away, what happened?' 'Psssh.. She flipped her 'Vette, man.' | |
| Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. | |
| But Hollywood on its' moral high horse won't make a movie about a retarded chimp, unless you count a Vin Diesel movie, which I do. I do. | |
| | Quote | Comedian |
|---|
| Have you ever seen someone you don't know, again? Like, you don't actually know ... it's like God is running out of extras for the movie of your life. | |
| *And havin sex is like math homework, I do it best when I'm alone in my bed. And squarin numbers are just like women, if they're under thirteen just do them in your head... | |
| It's just a filler, sort of. It doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'you're going to live' or 'it's a boy!' | |
| We could've landed on a tiny iceberg. And there could've been just two penguins blowin' each other. And I would've been thrilled to see them. | |
| Michael Jackson got married, how sacred is that s***? | |
| I got caught masturbating recently to a national geographic magazine, not my finest moment. And I don't know who was more embarassed: me or my dentist. | |
| British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray! | |
| Fruit: good. Cake: great. Fruitcake: nasty crap. | |
| I'm on the corner of like Malcolm X... and like Danny Glover... | |
|
Seven Dirty Words
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