Guess the Quote: The Office (US) 2

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Can you name the Office Character Whose Quote This Is?

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QuoteCharacter
Stanley yelled at me today. That was one of the most frightening experiences of my life.
It's not a surprise to me. Pam is the office mattress.
That's cool. Hey, you know what's even cooler than triceratops? Every other dinosaur that ever existed.
They say if you're nervous around someone you should picture them naked. I do not recommend this strategy. Try picturing them with more clothes on... or a funny coat.
So that is why I have to leave at 5:00 on Tuesday, it's to pick up my little sisters from school. We're really tight. We're like the Kardashians.
I tried, I tried. I tried to talk to Toby and be his friend but that is like trying to be friends with an evil... snail. I feel like I'm dying inside.
Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name: Creed Bratton.
You should order the most expensive thing on the menu, so he knows you're worth it.
This is great. My ex-wife's going to be so pissed. For once daddy's gonna be a hero.
QuoteCharacter
I consider myself a good person, but I'm gonna try to make him cry.
This is not the first time rumors about me being gay have come up. Twice before actually. Just a weird coincidence.
I always knew that the branch would shut down someday. I just figured it would be because Michael would sell the building for some magic beans.
All morning I look forward to my afternoon cigar and I'm not stopping for anybody.
Oh yes I will work out today. I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.
How about, 'I'm sorry I did such a whorish job filling out this form?'
Why is this so hard? That's what she said. Oh my God. What am I saying?
That's when somebody really gets in your face, you know, you just... start tickling them.

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