| Roast | Character |
| You're 6'11', and you weigh 90 pounds, Gumby has a better body than you | |
| You're a kiss ass | |
| You failed art school | |
| You slept with so many guys you're starting to look like one | |
| I can't decide between a fat joke and a dumb joke | |
| Your teeth called, your breath stinks | |
| There you are, I didn't see you behind that grain of rice | |
| You crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks | |
| You're gay | |
| Cornell called, they think you suck! And you're gayer than (above employee) | |