Name the columnists from The Onion

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Can you name the Name the columnists from The Onion?

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Name/description of ColumnWriter
The Cruise
A Room of [name]'s Own
The Outside Scoop
Accounts Receivable Supervisor (R.I.P.)
Onion's Publisher Emeritus
Write on the Funny!
Emperor of the Universe
Head of Global Domination conspiracy
Love Man
Obsessed geek

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