Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
1189 - 1192
Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion Heart to finish
1248 - 1254
St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed
St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis, with much the same results.
1357 - 1453
Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; 'France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman.' Sainted.
1494 - 1559
France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
1562 - 1598
France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots
1618 - 1648
France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
1672 - 1678
Lost to high Orangemen
1673 - 1813
British were far more charming than French, ended up victors. Therefore the British are well known for their tea, and the French for their whine (er, wine...).
1701 - 1714
Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.
1754 - 1763
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Tie induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
1775 - 1783
In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as 'de Gaulle Syndrome', and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; 'France only wins when America does most of the fighting.'
1789 - 1799
Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.
1791 - 1804
French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever. Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt, send an ally
1803 - 1815
Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
1863 - 1864
France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ('Halls of Montezuma'). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a little over a year after arrival
1870 - 1871
Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
1881 - 1890
No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914
1914 - 1918
Tied and on the way to losing. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her 'Fraulein.' Sadly, widespread use of condoms by Allied forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
1939 - 1945
Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.
1946 - 1954
Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
1954 - 1962
Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; 'We can always beat the French.' This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.
2003 - Present
France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.