| Roast | State |
| At least West Virginia makes bridges that actually go somewhere with all its pork barrel cash | |
| You must not have built anything, because pretty much no one's come to your state since 1989 | |
| Gaming might be immoral, but it must make for great employment numbers, right? | |
| You run a pretty efficient prison system - even Alcatraz has nothing on Andersonville | |
| A veritable paradise - until it's time for a trip to the grocery store or gas station | |
| Your total population is less than that of metropolitan Des Moines | |
| So, out of curiosity, when was the last time you elected someone who wasn't knee deep in corruption? | |
| Ranking 50th in both health and wealth is tough, but somebody's gotta do it | |
| Apart from ratifying the Constitution first, nothing happened here - ever | |
| Proudly thriving off the industry of tobacco! Impressively features both of college basketball's evil empires | |
| That's a nice long official name you've got - compensating for something, perhaps? | |
| Where apparently, the greatest threat and menace to mankind is... Wal-Mart? | |
| 3rd (soon to be 4th) largest in population, and you still think everything revolves around you | |
| You're probably about 1/80th as exciting as the quarterback named after you | |
| You're probably about 1/80th as exciting as the movie character named after you | |
| Put the stress on your name's first syllable, and it describes precisely what I feel there | |
| 100 degrees Fahrenheit? Ha, just a typical spring day! | |
| Your original settlers have traumatized generations of children as an oatmeal mascot | |
| 7 million people, and not a single professional sports team | |
| The greatest advertisement for your state is a plotless movie about an anti-social loser | |
| I'd do a roast for you, but Dave Barry did it far better than I ever could from 1983 to 2005 | |
| You know you're a boring state when someone would rather live in a land with two wicked witches | |
| Everything's bigger here, especially poverty and illegal immigration | |
| Drought? Check. Financial ruin? Check. Endless brain numbing celebrity drama? Check | |
| Too bad you couldn't memorialize something a little more permanent on your state quarter | |