| Quote | Character | Actor |
| Yeah, and monkeys might fly out of my butt! | |
| Welcome to 'The Dark Side', the only 15-minute show on TV. Why only 15 minutes? ‘Cause if the man gave me any more, he would consider that welfare. | |
| Well, maybe I don't 'look the part.' Uh, I'm not 'svelte.' I don't 'look comfortable on camera.' | |
| Ran-dyyy! The Rand-man! Randatollah! The Rand Old Opry, makin' copies! | |
| Delta Delta Delta, can I help ya, help ya, help ya? | |
| Amy Fisher. Buddafuco. El narc-o, el shoot-o, In jail-o. No bail-o. Senora, you're a whor-a! | |
| I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me. | |
| Sometimes when I get nervous I stick my fingers under my arms. | |
| Can you catch a falling star without burning your hand? Can you put the sky in your mouth? | |
| A ma'am or a sir, accept him or her or whatever it might be. It's time for androgyny. | |