| Description | Character |
| The male lead, played by Tommy Wiseau who directed this epic. Enjoys wearing tuxedos, tossing the football and doing anything for his princess. | |
| The female lead, she tears us apart and supposedly wears sexy dresses. | |
| Pretty boy best-friend of the main character. Sadly, he loses his beard. | |
| Creepy man-child that has a problem with drugs. He likes to watch. | |
| Mother of the female lead, she has cancer which shall never be mentioned again. | |
| Friend of the female lead, she likes to sneak into apartments for some lovin'. | |
| Boyfriend of the above character, he has a problem with his underwear. | |
| Psychiatrist friend who disappears half-way through for some reason. | |
| Who is this guy? Replaces the above character despite looking nothing like him. | |
| Drug dealer who wants to kill Denny. | |