'I'll use small words so that you'll be sure to understand, you warthog-faced buffoon.'

'You pompous, stuck-up, snot-nosed, English, giant, twerp, scumbag, f**k-face, d**khead, a**hole.'

'Why, you stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking Nerf herder.'

'You clinking, clanking, clattering collection of caligenous junk!'

'You dirt-eating piece of slime! You scum-sucking pig! You son of a motherless goat!'

'How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap, stinking chip oil? Come and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarbles, you eunuch jelly thou!'

'You're a f***in' secretary! F*** you! Yeah, that's my message for you: F*** you and kiss my a**!'

'I don't like your jerk-off name. I don't like your jerk-off face. I don't like your jerk-off behavior, and I don't like you, jerk-off.'

'Five-foot-nine, I didn't know they stacked s**t that high!'

'Were you born a fat, slimy, scumbag puke piece o' s**t, Private Pyle, or did you have to work on it?'

'You're one ugly m***erf***er.'

'I'm the guy who does his job. You must be the other guy.'

'If I wanted a joke, I'd follow you into the john and watch you take a leak.'

'Your mom goes to college.'

'Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?'

'You two are just dumber than a bag of hammers!'

'I call that bold talk for a one-eyed fat man.'

'People who talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch.'

'To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!'

'The day I need a friend like you, I'll just have myself a little squat and s**t one out.'

'Here's the thing. I don't give a tuppenny f*** about your moral conundrum, you meat-headed s**t-sack.'

'Holy hell, son, you're about as useful as a c**k-flavored lollipop.'

'You know what I'm talkin' about, you f***in' cock-a-roach!'

'Why don't you go back to your home on W***e Island?'

'You're a smelly pirate hooker!'

'For me, you're somewhere between a cockroach and that white stuff that accumulates at the corner of your mouth when you're really thirsty.'

'You're part eggplant.'

'I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!'

'Listen, you insignificant, square-toed, pimpled-headed spy.'

'You foul, loathsome, evil, little cockroach!'

'You are the kind of club-toting, raw-meat-eating, Me-Tarzan-You-Jane-ing, big, bald bubblehead that can only count to ten if he's barefoot or wearing sandals.'

'You know, Kevin, you're what the French call les incompetents.'

'Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.'

'He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard, a belligerent old fart, a worthless steaming pile of cow dung, figuratively speaking.'

'Your hairpiece looks like something that was killed crossing the highway. I don't know whether to comb it or scrape it off with a shovel and bury it in lime.'

'Reggie, your breath is so stinky, we look forward to your farts.'

'From what I hear, you couldn't hit water if you fell out of a f***in' boat.'

'But if staying here means working within 10 yards of you, frankly, I'd rather have a job wiping Saddam Hussein's arse.'

'In the whole vast configuration of things, I'd say you were nothing but a scurvy little spider!'

'You are a worthless street rat. You were born a street rat, you will die a street rat, and only your fleas will mourn you.'

'You're vapor. You're spam. A waste of perfectly good yearbook space.'

'You have the manners of a goat. And you smell like a dung-heap.'

'You're a sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot.'

'That's all you got, lady: two wrong feet and f***ing ugly shoes.'

'Why am I even listening to you to begin with? You're a virgin who can't drive.'

'You'll always be poor, just like the greasy rat that you are.'

'You would need three promotions to get to be an a**hole.'

'I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my a**.'

'My great aunt Jennifer ate a whole box of candy every day of her life. She lived to be 102 and when she'd been dead three days she looked better than you do *now!*'

'I thought I was looking at my mother's old douchebag, but that's in Ohio.'

'Go f*** yourself... you WRITER!'

'Where did you get those clothes, at the... toilet... store?'

'You wouldn't know Egyptian cotton if Pharaoh himself sent it to you, you knockoff-wearing m***erf***er!'

'Why don't you make like a tree... and get outta here?'

'Take your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape!'

'Shut up and sit down, you big bald f**k.'

'You disloyal, fool-a**, b***h-made punk.'

'You tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!'

'You two-toned, zebra headed, slime-coated, pimple-farming, paramecium brain, munching-on-your-own-mucus, suffering from PETER PAN ENVY!!!'

'You... you imbecile! You bloated idiot! You stupid fat-head you!'

'I think you are filth. I think you are scum. You are a degenerate!'

'You are nothing! If you were in my toilet I wouldn't bother flushing it. My bathmat means more to me than you!'