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My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her...
My wife... its difficult to say what she does.
I don’t know if you’ve ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up...
So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck.
About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard.
I’m very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, ‘how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors’.
Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them.
Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business.
Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don’t think so.
I hate sitting in traffic.
The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen.
My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education.
Here's a picture of me with REM.
My grandfather invented the cold air balloon.
I've just finished my book, I wrote it on Penguins.
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number.
I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back.
A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example:
Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber.
My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements.
The school had a big problem with drugs.
As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight.
When I was a child I suffered from a condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day.
My sister's got hay fever, and now she has diabetes.
Don’t go camping in the countryside.
I worked as a doctor for the World Health Organisation.
My dad was a dustman. I didn't like him coming to collect us from school though. It's not that I was ashamed he was a dustman...
Recently on a flight to America, all the way across my wife was going 'Why don't you get an upgrade, why don't you get an upgrade?'
I used to work in a supermarket. It was my job to hand out samples of things for people to taste.
People are hiding money offshore and you've got to really know what you're doing with that.
Years ago I used to supply filofaxes for the mafia.
Recently I’ve been attending meetings of Eavesdroppers Anonymous.
Recently I went on a ballooning holiday.
Hopefully I’ve got a book coming out soon.
My grandfather is always saying that in the old days people could leave their back doors open.
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