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Guess the film based on a quote from Mark Kermode's Wittertainment review of the film on BBC Radio 5 Live.
'I came to it having just had an hour and a half of dental work done, and the dental work was more upsetting, more exciting and more creatively rewarding'
'[The film has a] Thrangy-throng in the hiddley-bang-diddley-bomb-bomb script'
'There was an usher, and as I walked out of the cinema on my own and he looked at me and went 'Alright' and I went... 'Alright.' And we both knew what had happened: NOTHING.'
'It's a chick flick in that if you mashed up the film and fed it to battery chickens, it'd serve more of a purpose than it does being projected'
'I've spent quite a lot of time in the last week trying to work out just what it is that is so ghastly, and putrid and and vomit-enducing about [Film Name]'
'What would've been really great, is if at the end of the film, what the person had learnt was? There is nothing but fear, desperation and murder.'
'Leery, laddy, dreary nonsense.'
'All I could think of all the way through was AT LEAST TITANIC HAS A STORY.'
'I don't care about the hoo-haa about whether or not it's true, I don't care about the deformation of the- I don't care about any of that. JUST MOVE THE THING FORWARD'
'It's like Propety Ladder, but with Charles Dickens, as presented by the MOST imcompetant presenter'
'It would have been really, really offensive, if it weren't for the fact that you spend the entire film with your jaw on the floor thinking 'I cannot take any of this seriously'.'
'This is a movie that thinks that the height of comedy is a monkey biting someone's willy. And, actually, that's the point in which you can see the scriptwriters all high-fiving.'
'It's Mission Impossible goes to the vatican, with some Star Trek and Thunderbirds thrown in for good measure. It is stupid in ways you could not possibly imagine.'
'Like watching Tellytubbies bounce around in a padded cell'
'If you see this film, just, when you get to the end, just ask yourself this: Who's driving the boat?'
'Remember that whole thing, who's driving the boat? I'll tell you who's driving the boat: The accountant.'
'Knightley has always been wooden, but this's like a petrified forest of woodenness. I mean you really feel you could build a nice piece of IKEA furniture out of her performance
'Based on a novel by Tim Powers, which suggested the story. Which is a lovely phrase, because there is the SUGGESTION of a story in here, but that is all there ever is.'
'It's like watching a huge ocean liner turn round 360 degrees. I mean, you're impressed, but you're just impressed by the sheer mechanics of it.'
'It's like an accountant wrote the plot. He did the sums, figured out the interest, and said 'I've got it, [Film Name]''
'I've seen it twice, don't understand a word of it, it's taken up 5 hours of my life, not interested, don't care'
'Eli Roth has talent, but I think he needs to be slapped and sent to be with no supper until he until he grows up and stops squandering what talent he has on this infantile piffle.
'Apparently, the final shooting draft of the script was written in a week. What were they doing with the other 6 days?'
'You've got a fat guy, you've got a thin guy, you've got some religion, you've got some nuns, you've got some nacho chipsand they're thrown together in very hap-hazard fashion.'
'I finally saw it. And it was rubbish.'
'Remember ages ago when the Two Ronnies did a sketch where Ronnie Corbett dressed up as Boy George and said 'Do you really want to squirt me?'? It's like that.'
'I paid to see the film. I paid to be insulted by that piece of trash.'
'A video game-pop video, as directed by Arlene Phillips'
'As long as he can keep his feet in the 70s sci-fi and doesn't realise 'Oh, we have to move into the 21st century, 3D and Michael Bay', everything will be fine.'
'Wider is very well cast, playing the 'EEE-EEE-EEE-EEE!!!' [Gestures a stabbing movement] role'
'Why is the greatest Shakespearean actor of his generation doing this? The answer is, because he's just having a lot of fun.'
'There is a twisted, strange, ediple, 'Mummy dearest' thing going on'
'If There are 10 films worse than [Film Name] this year, then that's it. I quit.'
'I would attempt to explain the plot for you, but seeing as the movie doesn't do that, I don't see why I should bother'
'No matter how much water Gore Verbinski throws at the set, the wettest thing is always Orlundo Bland.'
'That is not a brilliant performance. That is a drunk kareoke singer in a small room.'
'The sound of the movie to me is this sound: it's the sound of being sick in a cup in the back row'
'It's not just poop, it's grammatically incorrect poop'
'When Knightley and Orlando Bloom are on screen together, it's like watching two chairs mating'
'I don't think I could take another minute of watching this dribblesom bore waltz around like somebody out of a milk tray advert.'
'So you sit there, you fall asleep, you wake up, you strech your back a little bit and you feel most of your lower body go numb, then 2 hours later, Keith Richards turns up.'
'It's the creepiest, leariest, most misodinistic thing I've seen'
'Nobody should see it. It should just be allowed to lie in the corner and finish it's misery.'
'Oh, what other super powers does he want? Shall we just let him fly? He can fly.'
'It is absolutely, indescribably horrible, vulgar, stupid, tawdry, depressing, embarassing, filthy, vile, stinky, repugnant, slimy, unclean, nasty, degenerative, mind-numbing ...'
'Surely there is a law against allowing people to make movies in which a rastafarian with a posh English accent is considered to be the height of hilarity?'
'Watching Guy Ritchie's [Film Name] will make you want to pour petrol on your head and set fire to yourself.'
'Honestly, if I was a doctor and somebody walked into my surgery and pitched [Film Name], I would reach for the medicine cabinet forthwith.'
'Like being in a room with an adolescent for 2 hours who won't engage you in conversation because all they want to do is play you clips from their favourite movies.'
'It is the stupidest film I can remember seeing and I'm including in that Exorcist II: The Heretic. It is intergalactically stupid.'
'I just sat there thinking, 'You know, of all the things I didn't want in the world, this is pretty much top of the heap.''
'Nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody will enjoy [Film Name], nobody. Even people who love this sort of nonsense will feel ill. It's so bad even stupid people will hate it.'
'Even the might of Zac Efron starts to be crushed under the horrible tidal wave of vomitus pulchritudinous filth. '
'Honestly. It is like something you that you would sick up after having eaten all the nasty consumerist porn of Christmas. This is like the vomit furball at the end of it.'
'If you went to see the first one, this is your fault.'
'You are meant to be engaged with these characters, who are stinking, wealthy beyond your wildest dreams'
'You're going I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'VE JUST DONE THIS! You've gone you stinking, wealthy, stupid woman dripping with golden shoes!'
'If we were in a Sex and the City movie, we'd be the help, we'd be the serfs, we'd be opening the doors!'
'[The characters are] Imperialist American pig-dogs of the highest order'
'It's a load of poo, really'
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Created Nov 10, 2012
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