| Riff | Short | Speaker |
| 'The all-night coke jags in cheap motels!' | |
| 'He's anatomically correct and everything!' | |
| 'Then I thrust the nail into the soft, yielding wood . . .' | |
| 'Whatever happened to my pet Vietnamese potbellied pig?' | |
| 'I didn't know he had a prison record. Says here he's wanted in Idaho.' | |
| 'Yeah, well, you're full of skit.' | |
| 'In the 50's, people responded well to disembodied authoritative voices.' | |
| 'I didn't hate accidents enough.' | |
| 'Mother Teresa called. She hates you.' | |
| 'This man is wearing a push-up bra. Now HE is pleasing.' | |
| 'KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE CABINETS!' | |
| 'Father, I had a feeling today.' | |
| 'If you kill yourself here, we can't kill you over there.' | |
| 'Oh, these monorail designers. They have a one-track mind.' | |
| 'So one clod says one thing and the WHOLE WORLD pays?' | |
| 'It's a full-contact 'Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf!'' | |
| 'Joe hits Johnny up for fifteen cents due to tax problems.' | |
| 'Pickles pack the stands for the pickle races!' | |