Ryan: Wilfred, these are pets. People will be looking for them.
Wilfred: Do you remember the scratch on my face, Ryan?
Wilfred: Being happy is just like being gay. It's a choice.
Wilfred: I brought dessert!
Ryan: We decided to leave and start our own boutique law firm together. Wilfred: Boutique?
Wilfred: Everyone knows the Great Dane's preferred method of attack is to pin down and slobber on.
Wilfred: So when Jenna leaves the house and I can't see her anymore, she doesn't cease to exist, she's just somewhere else?
Wilfred: There's darkness everywhere, Ryan.
Wilfred: One man's trash is another man's feng shui.
Wilfred: I remember you, Ryan. Memory is like the Packers when they're behind by two touchdowns in the fourth quarter...
Ryan: Drew says that it helps you achieve maximum core rippage.
Wilfred: I have a strict policy against taking any drug that's not illegal.
Wilfred: You see what it says there? Participant.
Wilfred: What did you do with my hair?
Ryan: You son of a bitch!
Ryan: I'm not crazy!
Wilfred: Ryan, remember when I told you a few weeks ago that you are a total pussy?
Wilfred: Ryan, anger is like herpes.
Ryan: Why the hell would you leave my wallet outside Spencer's window? Wilfred: I don't know, Ryan. Why is the sky grey? Why is the grass grey?
Wilfred: I hope you're proud of yourself, Ryan. I'm gonna be up all night licking Jenna's tears.
Wilfred: Ignorance is nine-tenths of the law. Ryan: That's possession.
Wilfred: There's a war out there, Ryan, a war between dogs and babies...and you brought it to our door step. Ryan: You're at war with babies? Over what? Wilfred: Why do any great civilizations go to war?
Wilfred: Mexico? You know they eat dogs down there? Ryan: They do not.
Wilfred: Remember when I mauled that black teenager's face the other day? You think I did that because he had ice cream on his face? No.
Dr. Eddy: It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. Ryan: Wait, that's from Good Will Hunting...
Wilfred: [referring to an Indian neighbor] It's not like I was gonna bite her.
Ryan: Are you telling me you've never smelled another dog on Jenna's hands?
Ryan:: Read a book or something Wilfred: A book? Yeah right. Maybe if it had pictures... that moved... and sound... and Matt Damon in it... and in the middle of the movie Matt Damon'd be like (makes gun noises).