Charlie: You know, for the record, a lovely dinner doesn't necessarily preclude carpet burns and a bite mark on you’re a**. Alan: In this case, it was just dinner and a pleasant conversation.
Berta: Do you mind if I take your room? Alan: My room? Gee, I, I--
Alan: Oh, this looks interesting: 'Two-bedroom, needs work, up-and-coming neighborhood.' Wh-- what does that mean, uh, 'up-and-coming neighborhood'?
Alan: Isabella, I hate to be a fuddy-duddy, but we try to keep the house smoke-free. Isabella: I'm sorry. Charlie didn't say anything when I was smoking in bed last night.
Alan: I think this woman tried to put a curse on me. Charlie: Oh, please, who of us hasn't done that?
Rose: OK, now it's time for party games. Charlie: I've got one.
Charlie: What I need to do is find my passport and head for the border. What you have to do is tell Rose that I was drunk and I'm sorry and there's no need to hunt me down and glue my testicles to my thigh...again!
Harvey: Well, you know, you do the best you can to raise them, and in the end, they drive down life's highway on their own. Evelyn: Isn't that the truth?
Mia: OK, let's start first position. Jake, do you know first position?
Charlie: What is that old witch doing here? Alan: Old witch? She's a charming woman! Charlie: Of course she's charming. They're all charming.
Female Bartender: Would you like some more pretzels?
Charlie: I think I might be in love with Mia. Alan: Big deal.
Alan: Uh, well, Kandi... it's like this: Charlie's with another woman. Kandi: Don't lie to me, Alan. Alan: OK, uh...
Alan: Well, wait a second-- why did you take vitamins? Jake: I was tired! Alan: OK, but-- but where did you find vitamins to take? Jake: In your medicine cabinet. Alan: I don't have any vitamins in my medicine cabinet. Jake: Yeah, you do.
Charlie: Rose, think about it. Where are you gonna find a guy who loves you as much as Gordon?
Alan: Do you know how to get a 1981 Plymouth Duster moving?
Kandi: Ouch. Alan: What? Kandi: One of my teeth hurts when I brush it. Alan: When was the last time you saw a dentist? Kandi: Alan, I see people all the time.
Alan: Did you know they actually have a little machine that shoots the cheese into the crust? Charlie: Is that so? Alan: Yep, it's a little high-pressure gun.
Judith: Well, I don't know about his father, but I've tried to share some of my interests with [Jake].
Charlie: Relax, Jake, Ricky knows what he's doing. He's been cutting my hair for years. Jake: Well, what if I don't want to look like you? Charlie: What's wrong with the way I look?
Charlie: I'm gonna tell you something that'll serve you well for your entire life. Jake: Like when you're peeing outside, always face downwind? Charlie: Better. By the way, what the hell were you thinking?
Mia: The fancy beach house works with a lot of women, doesn't it?
Charlie: With his grades, he might as well get used to pushing shopping carts around. Alan: Are you saying my son's gonna end up working in a supermarket?
Kandi: I have to take care of my body 'cause it's my instrument. Berta: Mine too.