Alan: Oh, oh, remember, you're being punished. So no TV, no computer, no Game Boy. Charlie, I need you to be my eyes and ears.
Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar. You said 'ass.'
Judith: Don't you think you've had enough to drink at the magic show, Evelyn?
Charlie: How did you get in my house? Alan: Okay, Charlie, the key in the fake rock only works if it's among other rocks, not sitting on your welcome mat!
Charlie: Look at you all grown up and back living with Mom.
Charlie: Today wasn't garbage day. Alan: No, not here, at Judith's. Charlie: At Judith's? Alan, your wife threw you out. Alan: Well that doesn't mean she doesn't need me anymore. Charlie: It kinda does. So, how do you lift those garbage cans without a spine?
Alan: We can't go out tonight. We're getting up early to go to Disneyland. Charlie: 'We'? Alan: Yeah. I thought maybe you'd want to come with us. Charlie: Alan, I'm not thrilled about having one small rodent in my house.
Alan: No, it's OK, pal, we'll have a great weekend. We can go to Disneyland, we can play miniature golf, go bowling, bike riding, whatever you want. Charlie: Alan, relax.
Alan: Jake, for the last time, nobody got creamed. No one won, no one lost. Jake: Yeah, except for us, 12 to 2. Charlie: Hey, pal, it doesn't matter if you win or lose.
Alan: Charlie, there is a half-naked woman in our kitchen!
Charlie: So what's the deal with your teacher? Jake: Miss Tuttle? She's very strict.
Jake: Hey, Dad, where's 'Can-cun'? Alan: Cancún? Jake: No, it's spelled 'Can-cun'. Alan: It's in Mexico. Why? Jake: We should go there for Christmas instead of Aunt Betty's. Alan: What are you reading?
Alan: Where's my mother? Jake: She left. Alan: Why? Jake: I don't know.
Charlie: I'm still sleeping here. Could you come back in a little while?
Charlie: Please, please go with me. Look, she's great, her name is Dezeray. Alan: I don't care what her name is! Charlie: What do you mean?
Alan: Hey Charlie, what's miscellaneous cash expenses? Charlie: You know, extra things. Like if I want a hot dog or tickets to the movies. Alan: It's $40,000!
Berta: Don't worry Charlie, you don't need to pay me this week. Charlie: Thank you Berta.
Alan: Why don't you get a vasectomy? Charlie: I've considered it.
Charlie: I can't do this anymore, Alan. I quit. Alan: You can't quit poverty, Charlie. Charlie: I want the good stuff! I want cheese that isn't air-dropped into Third World countries! I want ouchless toilet paper!