George Fields: Where do you come off sending me your roommate's play for you to star in?

Sandy: Michael, are you gay?

Michael: I slept with her once and she still thinks I'm gay.

Michael: Sandy, I'm not having an affair with the woman who went into my apartment earlier, alright?

George Fields: You are psychotic!

George Fields: Nobody wants to pay twenty dollars to watch people living next to chemical waste.

Dorothy: Ron? I have a name. It's Dorothy. It's not Tootsie or Toots or Sweetie or Honey or Doll.
Ron Carlisle: Oh, Christ.

Sandy: Well, good night, Michael. It was a wonderful party. My date left with someone else. I had a lot of fun.

John Van Horne: I'm just an untalented old has-been.
Dorothy: Were you ever famous?
John Van Horne: No.

Michael: I don't have the right shoes for that dress, I don't like the way the horizontal lines make me look too hippy, and it cuts me across the bust.

George Fields: The Harlem Theatre for the Blind? Strindberg in the Park? The People's Workshop in Syracuse?
Michael: I did nine plays in 8 months up in Syracuse. I happened to get great reviews, not that that's why I did it.

Michael: Friends?
Sandy: No, we are not friends. I don't take this s*** from friends.

Jeff: I don't like it when people come up to me after my plays and say, 'I really dug your message, man' or, 'I really dug your play, man.'

Michael: Are you saying that nobody in New York will work with me?
George Fields: No, no, that's too limited...

Rita: I'd like to make [Dorothy] look a little more attractive. How far can you pull back?

Michael: I don't believe in hell.

George Fields: I can't even set you up for a commercial. You played a tomato for 30 seconds - they went half a day over schedule because you wouldn't sit down.

Dorothy: Dr. Brewster has tried to seduce several nurses on this ward, always claiming to be in the throes of an uncontrollable impulse. Do you know what?

Michael: This is our first date.

Ron Carlisle: I'm sure you're a very good actress. It's just that you're not threatening enough.
Dorothy: Not threatening enough?