Stu: Whoa, we're not leaving a baby in the car. Phil: He'll be fine.
Mr. Chow: I want my purse back, a**holes. Phil: What, your purse? Alan: That's not a purse.
Doug: At least our trip wasn't a total loss. Alan: Why do you say that?
Doug: She's not that bad. Phil: Doug, she beats him!
Stu: I lost a tooth!
Stu: She's got my grandmother's Holocaust ring!
Stu: We're in a stolen cop car with what is sure to be a missing child in the back. What part of this is cool?
Stu: That is not Doug. Mr. Chow: What're you talking about, Willis? That him! Stu: No, I'm sorry, Mr. Chow. That's not our friend. He... its...
Sid: Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Except for herpes.
Sid: Don't let Alan drive, because there's something wrong with him. Doug: Understood. Sid: Oh, and Phil either.
Alan: Do you know if the hotel is pager friendly? Lisa: What do you mean?
Phil: Would you please put some pants on?
Stu: Why are you peppering the steak? You don't know if tigers like pepper. Alan: Tigers LOVE pepper.
Alan: I shouldn't be here. Doug: Why is that, Alan? Alan: I'm not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school...
Phil: Whose f***ing baby is that? Stu: Alan, are you sure you didn't see anyone else in the suite? Alan: Yeah, I checked all the rooms. No one's there.
Phil: We can't find Doug. Tracy: What are you saying, Phil? We're getting married in five hours.
[Discussing how roofies got their name] Black Doug: Why not floories, right? 'Cause when you take 'em, you're more likely to end up on the floor than the roof. What about groundies? That's a good new name fo' 'em.
Alan: It's not a purse, it's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.
Stu: Are you sure you're qualified to be taking care of that baby? Alan: What are you talking about?
Alan: What if Doug's dead? I can't afford to lose somebody close to me again, it hurts too much. I was so upset when my grandpa died. Phil: How'd he die? Alan: World War II. Phil: Died in battle?
Alan: I want you to know, Doug, I'm a steel trap. Whatever happens tonight, I will never, ever, ever speak a word of it. Doug: Ok, I got it. Thank you. I don't think that... Alan: Seriously, I don't care what happens.
Alan: Counting cards is a foolproof system. Stu: It's also illegal. Alan: It's not illegal.
Alan: You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner.
Alan: And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack.