Sondra: Turning fifty is a monumental occasion in a man's life.
Cliff: Do you have to hammer? Workman: I don't HAVE to...
Scott: You mean Clair lets you eat potato chips? Cliff: Lets me eat potato chips!?!
Denise: I've decided to discontinue my college education. Clair: Come again, young lady? Denise: I'm not going back to Hillman.
Clair: Denise is married and I don't even know her last name.
Cliff: Clair. It's past 7 a.m., dear. Clair: So? Cliff: Well, you have to go to work. Clair: I quit. Cliff: No, you're a partner in the law firm. Hit it.
Cliff: Your mother and I are rich.
Vanessa: I did it, I'm sorry and I should be punished.
Theo: Dad, can I have an advance on my allowance?
Cliff: [Yelling at some snowball-throwing kids] This is Dr. Huxtable! I delivered some of you! I'm a parent and a taxpayer!
Cliff: What's the matter? Rudy: I'm bored. Cliff: You're bored?
Theo: Dad, Denise is hogging the bathroom! Cliff: Why don't you use the one downstairs? Theo: The small one? That one's for guests.
Claire: We are very fortunate to have the children, Cliff.
Client: Five children and 21 years. What are you celebrating?
Claire: So, you're saying you don't want another [baby]?
Vanessa: There is no fun in my life!
Theo: I mean, you're a doctor and Mom's a lawyer, but I don't love you any less because you're my dad. So instead of being disappointed that I'm not like you, maybe you should be happy and love me anyway, because I'm your son. Cliff: Theo...
Cliff: [Talking to Denise's boy-friend] If you don't plan on going to college then what do you plan on doing? David: I think I'm going to just spend some time trying to find myself. Cliff: And how long do you think that's going to take? David: About five or ten years.
Vanessa: But what if the house catches fire? Cliff: Then Theo will call the fire department! Vanessa: Well what if burglars break in? Cliff: Then Theo will un-arm them! Vanessa: Well what if they know karate?
Claire: Under no circumstances, if I die, would you marry again? You would be single forever? Cliff: Yes. Claire: Would you date somebody? Cliff: No, I wouldn't. Claire: Okay, Cliff, I'm dead. I'm gone.
Darryl: Who's Elvin? Cliff: Elvin is the fellow [Sondra] likes. Darryl: Oh. Then why am I here?
Rudy: Sondra, promise you won't get mad. Sondra: What did you do? Rudy: I spilled nail polish. Sondra: Okay. We'll go clean it up.
Clair: Cliff, do you want to be 19 again? Cliff: Only if you'll be 19 with me. Clair: Sure.
Vanessa: Mom, I didn't mean to put on the make-up. But, all of a sudden, all of this stuff was on my face.
Vanessa: Would you like to do me a really big favor? Theo: No. Vanessa: Oh, come on Theo. You owe me a favor. Remember the time when you wanted to buy that yo-yo that lights up in the dark? I was the one that lent you the 75 cents.
Theo: I don't get it. If you weren't going back to school, why did you pack all your bags? Denise: 'Cause soon as I tell Mom and Dad what I'm doing, Dad's going to throw me out of the house. Vanessa: Good.
Clair: We think you're lying in the floor of some burning building, dying of asphyxia, and you're down in Baltimore, having big fun! Weren't you, Vanessa? Isn't that where you were? Didn't you go down there to Baltimore to have big fun, Vanessa? Tell me, didn't you go for big fun? Vanessa: Mom.... Clair: Shut up!
Cliff: I want you to do me a favor: Measure my heels from where I jump to the tips of my feet where I land. [He jumps across the living room.] Clair: One... two... about eight feet. Cliff: Eight feet? Add another three.
Theo: [cleaning the kitchen] Dad, is it okay if I take a break now?
Claire's Mother: When you and Cliff got married, what did I say? Claire: You wanted me to have a child. Claire's Mother: Why?