Mike Brady: Jan, a real friend likes you for who you are, not what's on your face. If you judge your friends for passing judgment on you, you're not only judging yourself you're judging your friends for judging you.
Mr. Phillips: How should I put this delicately, Mike? Your designs are from another time. Mike Brady: That's kind of you to say, Mr. Phillips.
Carol Brady: Marcia it looks like rain, you better take your shawl. How about you Doug? Do you have any protection? Doug: Oh, yes ma'am.
Mike Brady: I couldn't have put it better myself, Jan.
Jason: Marcia, I may be able to use you as a model, but first you'll have to do a little work on yourself. Marcia Brady: You mean like walking with a book on my head? Jason: No, I mean like cutting that mousy hair, capping those teeth, and losing about 30 pounds, my little sausage. How do you feel about breast implants? [Marcia slaps him]
Mike Brady: Alone, we can only move buckets.
Mr. Yeager: One time I was over there. One bathroom for nine people?
Doug: Marcia, got a minute? Marcia Brady: Forget it Doug.
Mike Brady: Cindy, you know by tattling on your friends, you're really just tattling on yourself. By tattling on your friends, you're just telling them that you're a tattletale.
Dena Dittmeyer: She wants the Brady's mail, Larry! Mr. Dittmeyer: Thank you, darling!
Marcia Brady: Oh those are pretty pictures, what have you modeled for? Model: Guess. Marcia Brady: Are you a Breck girl? Model: No, Guess Jeans. Marcia Brady: Levi's? Wrangler?
Mrs. Dena Dittmeyer: My, you've gotten so big. You're almost as big as your daddy. Greg Brady: And I'm still growing.
Jan Brady: [suggesting a way to raise money] I saw a sign at school today for a Search For The Stars contest.
Marcia Brady: [suggesting a way to raise money] I've got it! We could enter that Search For The Stars contest! First prize is twenty thousand dollars! Greg Brady: That's a great idea, Marcia! Bobby Brady: Great idea, Marcia! Jan Brady: Am I invisible? Do I not have a voice?
Eddie: Get out! This is a car jack! Greg Brady: Well, of course this is a car.
Marcia Brady: [shows Doug her swollen nose] I suppose you don't want to go out with me now, huh? Doug: Oh, of course I do.
Carol Brady: Tiger? Tiger?
Greg Brady: Hey there, groovy chicks.
Sam: Wait a minute, I've got something for you. Alice: Unless it fits on my fingers, I gotta hit the hay. Sam: It better fit, or I'm gonna have to take it back. Alice: Sam, I thought this day would never come! Sam: [Gives Alice a bowling ball] When I saw it, I thought it was right up your alley.
Charlie: Marcia, I think I just felt your tongue in my mouth. Marcia Brady: It's called a French kiss, Charlie. Charlie: Um, Marcia, I gotta go.
Mike Brady: We know so much about each other. I know that every January, Mr. Yeager is going to have that big Super Bowl party at his house. We know that every spring, Mrs. Simmons is going to have the prettiest daffodils on the block.
Marcia Brady: Doug! I think I just felt your tongue in my mouth. Doug: It's called a french kiss.
Mike Brady: Put on your Sunday best kids.
Peter Brady: If Mom and Dad have to sell the house, we'll have to move. Bobby Brady: Go to a new school. Jan Brady: Make new friends.