Robert: We're putting the house on the market. Dale: Where are we moving?
Brennan: I swear, I'm so pissed off at my mom.
Dale: Why are you so sweaty?
(Brennan is burying Dale in the garden) Dale: But I'm still alive!
Brennan: I'm not gonna call him Dad. Nancy: Brennan, you're 39 years old. I wouldn't expect you to call him Dad.
Dale: Dad, we're men. That means a few things - we like to s*** with the door open, we go on riverboat gambling trips, and we make our own beef jerky. That's what we do, and now that is all wrecked.
Nancy: We were so sad you guys couldn't come to the wedding. Robert: We completely understand. You were busy fishing... with Mark Cuban. Derek: Right. Yeah, yeah. Well not just the Cubes...
Brennan: Listen, I know that we started out as foe. But after that courageous act that you showed me against the one they call Derek, maybe someday we could become friends. Friends who ride majestic, translucent steeds, shooting flaming arrows across the bridge of Hemdale.
Brennan: I have a green belt... read it and weep. Dale: I don't believe in belts.
Nancy: You yelled 'rape' at the top of your lungs. Brennan: Mom, I honestly thought I was gonna be raped for a second. He had the craziest look in his eyes. And at one point he said, 'Lets get it on.'
Derek: I am the VP of the biggest executive helicopter leasing company on the western seaboard. I haven't had a carb since 2004. Check these out. [points to abs] See these? See these boys?
Brennan: You better not go to sleep, cause as soon as your eyes shut I'm gonna punch you square in the face.
Dale: [whispering] Hey, you awake? Brennan: [whispering] Yeah.
Denise: How old were you when your parents got divorced? Brennan: Fifteen. Denise: That's a hard age. Brennan: Yes. Yeah. Denise: Do you want to talk about some of those feelings?
Brennan: If you were a chick, who's the one guy you'd sleep with? Dale, Brennan: John Stamos. Dale: [stomps foot] What?
Nancy: What about you, Tiffany? What did you get for Christmas? Tiffany: I got this Mikimoto pearl necklace.
Dale: You still kicking boards or breaking holes in pumpkins or anything? Brennan: No... but I did start taking baby aspirin. To reduce my risk for heart attack.
Dale: Why do you have Randy Jackson's autograph on a martial arts weapon? Brennan: Cause I bumped into him and all I had on me was this samurai sword... And you're not gonna not get Randy Jackson's autograph, right?
Therapist: So, Dale. I don't know how much you know about therapy, but it usually starts by you telling me a little something about yourself. Dale: I work at a college as a janitor even though I feel like I'm smarter than most of the people who go there. Sometimes I see an equation written on a blackboard like half an equation and... I just figure it out.
Robert: You know what I got for Christmas?
Nancy: Brennan, Denise called and she said she can't spend New Years Eve with you because she's not your girlfriend she's your therapist.
Dale: Brennan, you're alive! Oh my God! Brennan: I know. I'm alive. Dale: You were dead. I saw you die.
Brennan: (wearing a Nazi uniform) Hey, f***ers! Welcome to the neighborhood! My name is Craig. If you guys need any fertilizer, I've got a lot of it.
Dale: Can we turn our beds into bunkbeds?
Store Manager: I'm looking to hire guys I don't mind hanging out with for 12 hours a day. You seem like cool guys. Got hair similar to mine, you wear tuxedos to the interview. Underplaying the whole formality of it. I think that's funny as hell. So...lets do this. You guys are hired.