Ed: [directing Shaun on where to shoot] There! Shaun: Where? Ed: Three o'clock! Dianne: Oh! Over there again. Quarter to twelve. Shaun: What?
Shaun: As Bertrand Russell once said, 'The only thing that will redeem mankind is cooperation.' I think we can all appreciate the relevance of that now. Liz: Was that on a beer mat?
Ed: See? You don't need Liz to have a good time. Shaun: Oh, don't, man. Ed: No! Go ahead, look at me. Can I just say one more thing? I'm not gonna say, you know, there's plenty more fish in the sea. I'm not going to say if you love her, let her go. And I'm not going to bombard you with clichés. But what I will say is this...
Liz: Goodbye, Ed. Love you. Ed: Cheers! Shaun: I love you too, man.
Yvonne: Shaun! How are you doing?
Shaun: As Mr. Sloan always says, there is no 'I' in team, but there is an 'I' in pie. And there's an 'I' in meat pie.
Ed: You gonna thank me then? Shaun: For what? Ed: Tidying up! Shaun: Doesn't look that tidy.
Liz: You hang out with my friends? Sorry, a failed actress and a twat? Shaun: Well, that's a bit harsh. Liz: Your words!
Shaun: David, kill the Queen! David: What?
Ed: You didn't tell me Barbara had a Jag. I've always wanted to drive one of those. Shaun: Yeah, well, it's Philip's, okay? He won't let anybody near it.
[trying to call the emergency services] Ed: Shaun, what's going on? Shaun: Sh*t, it's engaged! Ed: How about an ambulance? Shaun: It's engaged, Ed. Ed: A fire engine? Shaun: It's one number, Ed, and it's busy! Okay? What you want a fire engine for, anyway?
Dianne: Just look at the face: it's vacant, with a hint of sadness.
[Shaun tries to get out of Philip's Jaguar] Shaun: Philip, have you still got the child-locks on?
Shaun: [about Ed] He's not my boyfriend! Ed: [handing beer to Shaun] It might be a bit warm, the cooler's off.
Ed: 'Purple Rain'? Shaun: No. Ed: 'Sign o' the Times'? Shaun: Definitely not. Ed: The 'Batman' soundtrack?
Shaun: Take car. Go to Mum's. Kill Phil - 'Sorry.' - grab Liz, go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over.
Shaun: Got you these [flowers]. Liz: 'To a wonderful mum'? Shaun: Oooh! Yeah, that's, because... I thought, it would be, funny, because of what you said last night about me y'know, don't wanna be my mum and that. It's just a little joke, just sort of spur of the moment...
Dianne: I don't think he'd leave us, Davs. David: Wouldn't he? Lizzy, how can you put your faith in a man you spectacularly binned for being unreliable? A man whose idea of a romantic nightspot and an impenetrable fortress are the same thing? It's... This is a pub! We are in a pub! What are we going to do now?
Shaun: [about Ed] I've known him since primary school, you know? I like having him around, he's a laugh.
Shaun: Are you OK? Did they hurt you? Barbara: No I'm fine. I'm fine. Shaun: Mum...
Shaun: Mum, have you been bitten? Barbara: No... But Philip has. Shaun: Oh, OK. Listen, Mum, what sort of state is he in? Barbara: Oh, he's fine. Bit under the weather. Shaun: I see. Ed: What's the deal?
Shaun: You know, I don't think I've got it in me to shoot my flatmate, my mum, and my girlfriend all in the same night. Liz: What makes you think I'd have taken you back?
[after Philip has been bitten] Philip: You didn't call the doctor, did you? Barbara: Well, I thought we ought to be on the safe side. Philip: I'm quite all right, Barbara.
Liz: It's just with Ed here, it's no wonder I always bring my flat-mates out and then that only exacerbates things. Shaun: What do you mean? Liz: Well you guys hardly get on, do you?
[Shaun is channel hopping] Krishnan Guru-Murthy: Though no one official is prepared to comment, religious groups are calling it Judgment Day. There's...