Dana: Your girlfriend's pretty clever. For her last meal, she asked for a McRib and a Shamrock Shake. That should buy her a few months.
Jimmy: Hey, I thought I talked to you about this. You can't smoke around the baby. Virginia: Jimmy, smoke rises.
(Jimmy is going through a goth phase) Virginia: Did you hear that? Maw Maw's got a surprise for you Jimmy! Jimmy: You know that's not my name!
Rosa: It seems my mother thinks that your son is the Devil. Virginia: Hah!
Virginia: Burt, why are you infusiating yourself in other people's lives? Burt: I like this guy. He reminds me of me.
Burt: When it comes to being a hunter gatherer, I don't have a lot of weapons.
Virginia: I'm sure somewhere out there, there is a woman that wants to be lured into your apartment to find you naked.
Burt: Pygmies freak me out. The women run around topless.
Burt: Noses are the unsung hero of the face, ties the whole thing together. Name one good looking person without a nose...
Maw Maw: Look, we're five people living in a four person house.
Virginia: We are responsible! We're also passionate and spontaneous. Burt: Yeah.
Burt: Babies are cool... until you've done everything there's to do with them, then you get bored.
Virginia: I'm allowed to criticize you. I made you.
Sabrina: Worst Thanksgiving ever. We had this cheese sauce that irritated my Dad's IBS.
Policeman: What's going on? Maw Maw: Mommy and I are doing a trick. Virginia: The b*tch who lives here wouldn't give us any candy. You're not really going to hassle us for pulling a prank on Halloween, are ya?
Sabrina: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it. Who plays the piano?
Virginia: It's weird how music kicks in certain things in [Maw Maw’s] brain.
Virginia: How are we gonna fix this? Think. Burt: You know I can't think on demand like that. Virginia: Think! Burt: Stop saying think!
Jimmy: Did you guys lie to me? Burt: She did, not me.
Maw Maw: [wheeling out from under Burt's truck] Well, the universal ball joint's no picnic, but the transmission's been leaking around four spots. Why didn't you have me look at it earlier? Burt: You're never lucid for this long. Had a chance last week, but by the time I got you in the coveralls, you thought you were an exterminator and spent three and a half hours under the house. Maw Maw: Did I kill anything?
Burt: People in glass houses should not throw stones…
Burt: Hello, I'm your neighbor, Burt Chance. I just want to let you know there's a sexual predator living in the neighborhood.
Virginia: All college guys cheat when they're in a long distance relationship. Why do you think I didn't let your dad go off to college? Jimmy: 'Cuz he didn't graduate high school?
Donovan: Hell, Chinese moms don't even give the kid a pillow. Yeah, they throw a violin and a laptop in the crib and say 'Learn it by morning, donkey!'