Piper: I am a lone wolf, Brook, and a vicious one.
Healy: Furlough is like the Loch Ness Monster.
Piper: Oh, he's a hit man? I thought he was a rapist.
Red: You want to assassinate someone? Vision is a basic requirement.
Figeroa: Right now, looking in an arbitrary direction, I see large earrings. I see unapproved makeup. Am I the only one who sees this? Do I have super vision?
Piper: I think I might have gotten Miss Claudette really mad at me. Nicky: You know how some people have imaginary friends?
Pennsatucky: The first one was a spiritual rapture, and the second one comin' is a physical one, okay?
Pennsatucky: You know what I gotta do. She disrespected me.
Poussey: It's pronounced 'Pou-say'.
[Nicky is drilling a hole in the wall] Piper: What are you doing? Nicky: It's uh, an art piece representing the futility of blue-collar labor in a technological age.
Piper: I'm not your wife.
Miss Claudette Pelage: And now what? You wipe up, but that does not disinfect. How are you going to disinfect? Piper Chapman: I don't know, I've never cleaned up another person's pee before.
Red: All I wanted was to eat the chicken that was smarter than all the other chickens to absorb its power.
Crazy Eyes: I used to spend a lot of time thinking how I could make you love me. Like, if I had long pretty hair, or if I made a chocolate cake with frosting, or if I had a green bicycle. Piper: No! You are great the way that you are! Crazy Eyes: I know!
Yoga Jones: Don't eat the pudding. Piper: What's the perspective on the pudding?
Piper: [about her ring] What are you doing? You can't put that in your pocket, it's going to end up in the bottom of the washing machine. Larry: Okay, um, where would you like me to put it then? Piper: Up your a**. Larry: There's no room.
Red: You been blabbin' all over about the chicken haven't you? Piper: Not really… but even if I did you never told me it was a secret. Red: Because I thought you had more common sense! Black girls know about chicken, of course they'll chase it. Piper: Why? Cause all black people like chicken? Red: Don't be racist.
Nicky: I would've made a terrible mule.
Red: I'm missing half my zucchini.
Piper: I could tell you that I'm going to make you my prison b*tch. I could tell you that I'm going to make you my house mouse, that I will have sex with you even if we don't have an emotional connection, that I'm going to do to you what the spring does with cherry trees but in a prison way.