Nick: Schmidt, that is melon-flavored liquor. It's 4-proof, okay?
Jess: That's where I live, and those are my friends. And that wasn't even the first stabbing this month. And Russell, my life is just as important as your life. And if you wanna get with me, you're gonna have to get with my friends.
Jess: Are you ready to run? I have my playlist all ready.
Jess: He washed his hands in a public restroom. Schmidt: And there was a man in there. And he was using the toilet, full sit, no door.
Nick: Get out of my room. Jess: Okay. Hey, um... when I was, um, leaving in a hurry, um, did you see... everything? Nick: Yup.
Jess: Spencer and I never tried anything new, and maybe if I'd been... more erotic... Cece: Spencer cheated on you because he's a total jerk, not 'cause you're bad in bed. Jess: It's been six years.
Schmidt: You look awesome. Cece: It's a before and after for a Bolivian diet pill.
Cece: Remember when Christmas used to be fun and all I had to do was worry about my drunk uncle asking me out? Jess: Yes, Uncle Pradeep.
Jess: I brake for birds. I rock a lot of polka dots. I have touched glitter in the last 24 hours. I spend my entire day talking to children. And I find it fundamentally strange that you're not a dessert person. That's just weird, and it freaks me out. And I'm sorry I don't talk like Murphy Brown.
Nick: This coat has clean lines... and pockets that don't quit. Jess: And it has room for your hips. Nick: And when I wear it, I feel hot to trot.
Jess: It's Sam! It's Sam! Put your coats on, we're leaving. Cece: Sam? Sam? Where? Jess: Yes, he's right over there.
Melissa: I'm 32, but my eggs are 48, and my vagina is 97. Nick: I am so uncomfortable. Sadie: But it gets better with age.
Schmidt: Hey, Winston, tell him what you have. Winston: Sympathy PMS. It's a real thing, I looked it up. Nick: Sympathy PMS? What's that? Jess: No!
Nick: Uh, this is where you work. You the ticket-taker? Angie: No, I'm a stripper. Nick: Yeah, but... but what is it that you do here? Angie: Stripper. Nick: Because college is so expensive these days... Angie: I'm a stripper. Nick: But, only topless...
Nadia: Cece, the Jewish is here to make sex. Schmidt: Uh, it's actually Schmidt. Um, we've met, uh, many times. Nadia: Right. I hear you make sex through Cece wall.
Jess: I pay rent, so I think that gives me the right to add a few things.
Remy: I'm gonna start unbuttoning your pants, and then I'm gonna unbutton my shirt. I'm not gonna take my underpants off, though. Not right away, I'm gonna keep my underpants on until I let you take my underpants off, Nick. Okay? 'Cause you are gonna be the Underpants Captain tonight. Nick: Makes sense. Jess: Great choice, Remy.
Schmidt: I had a bad night. I'm really, I'm just asking you, please d-don't push me. 'Cause then I'll have to reinstate my ban on high-waisted shorts. Jess: You would not dare. Schmidt: Try me.
Cece: It's just... I can't stop thinking about what a Schmidt baby would be like. Jess: Just, I mean, I, I don't know.
Jess: I'm going out tonight with Cece and her model friends, and I'm going for 'promising ballerina turned streetwalker.' Schmidt: You have too much joie de vivre. Okay? You wanna look a little bit more bored, tired, just altogether disengaged. Winston: More tired— more, like, sick-like.
Sarah: Are you in love with my dad? Jess: Hmm... Oh... Sarah: Do you and my dad ever dry-lump? Jess: G... Uh... Sarah: Is sexting cool? Jess: What? No, it's not cool. Sarah: Have you done a 99?