Schmidt: Listen, there are plenty of things to be down about: the air pollution in China, the deficit, The Hobbit wasn't very good.
Winston: I want you to know, I really did love Walt. Nick: He was my dad. Winston: Yea, but he did love me more than he loved you. He told me that.
Jess: Nick kissed me.
Jess: I used my body. Is that what you wanna hear?
Nick: Never get caught without a safe word. We're gonna go with 'apricot.' Jess: That's way too normal.
Angie: You know, I've been arrested three times. Four times. Four to five times. I have tattoos of bands that I don't even like anymore.
Jess: If any of you cross me, I'm gonna kick the testicles clean off your body! Clean off!
Nick: 20-year-old girls—they think I'm awesome! And look at 'em!
Jess: I don't go on dates very often. Guys my age always wanna skip the date and just go right for the gold.
Jess: It's my first single Valentine's Day in six years, and I... I need to go out, okay? We need to go out.
Cece: You don't have one-night stands—you get way too attached. I mean, you could have an emotional connection with a shoe on the side of the road.
Jess: Hi, yes, I'd like to order a last-minute stripper. Oh, um, preferably of Asian heritage.
Jess: Hey, what are you doing in here? Cece: Kyle's being a jerk. What are you doing in here?
Jess: What happened to the refrigerator and the sofa?
Jess: Well, I don't need your help. I like moving slow. I like being weird and taking my time. I'm not like you.
Jess: I'm Nicholas's girlfriend. We just started dating, so we're still in that honeymoon phase. I barely sleep.
Nick: Maybe you were right. Maybe I'm not ready for meaningless sex with beautiful women. Jess: Well, you know, maybe when you are, you'll be able to show her your other penis.
Nick: Who's Paul? Did you invite somebody named Paul to our house? Jess: Yes, I did. I asked someone out. Schmidt: Jess, be honest—is the turkey named Paul? Jess: It's a real guy. And he teaches at my school. And he's really, really hot!
Jess: I do. I want to. I want to have sex with him big-time. Nick: Great. Jess: You heard me! Big-time! Okay?
Winston: Here's what I was thinking, okay? If we wanna win this concert, we play something cool, like 'Eye of the Tiger.' Bianca: What's 'Eye of the Tiger'? Winston: 'Eye of the Tiger' is the greatest song ever written.
Julia: Hey, so... living here, it's probably fun, right? Jess: Yeah. Julia: There are, like, lots of girls coming in and out of this place? Jess: Schmidt's like Ellis Island in the 1800s.
Jess: I just want to have a mature conversation. Nick: How can we have a mature conversation when you can't even say the word 'penis'? Jess: I can say the word pen... Nick: Say it. Jess: I...
Jess: I'll raise the money myself. I'll get a ragtag group of kids together. A lost soul, an orphan, a Jewish kid with a keyboard, a little slut who can dance, and one fatso, and I'll choreograph some dances, make a show. Vice principal Tanya: You did that already, Jess.
Jess: I should also warn you guys that my mom's a little bit perky. Winston: Wait, you think she's perky?
Jess: It's so weird to think that Nick is the last person I kissed. Actually, Schmidt's the last person I kissed. Cece: Okay, what? Jess: It was nothing. Nick was watching.
Schmidt: Are you wearing a traditional sari? Cece: Yes. Schmidt: I begged you to wear a sari. I had all these sari-related sexual scenarios. Monsoon Bedding, The Best Erotic Maribone Hotel. Cece: Stop that.
Schmidt: I got it, you look like a zombie Woody Allen. Nick: Yeah. Schmidt: These brains are terrible. And such— such small portions. Nick: On Christmas, I like to eat Chinese people's brains. They're the only ones that are open.