Sharona: Adrian! Don't you want a closer look? Monk: No, I can see from here.
Monk: I took the liberty of straightening up a little. Stottlemeyer: Where is all my crap?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, here he comes! Now, what do we do? Monk: Okay. I'm going to count to three. Natalie: All right, okay.
Professor Dean Berry: Mr. Monk, you know what I'm going to do for you? I'm going to adopt ten acres of Brazilian rain forest in your name. Monk: Thank you.
Anne Marie: Are you my uncle? Monk: No, no. I'm your Aunt Natalie's boss.
Randy: It's him. The Opposite Killer. That's his M.O. Stottlemeyer: There is no 'Opposite Killer'!
Julie: Okay, Mr. Monk, this is called a mouse. Monk: I know that, I haven't been living in a cave. Julie: And this is a mouse pad.
Monk: I'm half man, half wuss...
Monk: I'm on the list. Security Guard: Name?
Monk: Do you have any more of these Odor-Eaters? Drugstore Manager: How many do you need?
Stottlemeyer: They call it a panic room.
Monk: That used to be my nickname, Mr. Punctuality. Michelle Rivas: In college?
Sharona: Adrian, you have to sit. This is a picnic. Monk: I - I don't sit on the ground.
Sharona: We're never going to get away with this! They're never going to believe we're really married.
Randy: I was up all night with my girlfriend.
Joe Christie: 89-cent plastic commemorative plaque. Would you kill someone to get this?
Monk: Is that a square tomato? Sarah Longson: Yes it is. The square shape means that farmers can pack 35% more tomatoes per carton. It's cheaper, more efficient. Natalie: How does it taste? Monk: Who cares? It's a square tomato.
Stottlemeyer: Keyes, you don't wanna do this. You don't want to kill a cop. Monk: Or an ex-cop.
Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: Maybe we should induce vomiting?
Monk: She forgot she was a vegetarian? Who forgets they're vegetarian?
Monk: That officer outside told me I was dead.
Monk: It doesn't make any sense. Stottlemeyer: Does everything have to make sense, Monk?
Miranda St. Claire: Let me ask you a question. How can you investigate anything? I'm told you're 'germophobic,' afraid of the dark, heights, crowds... and milk.
Stottlemeyer: I thought you were afraid of heights. Monk: Snakes trump heights.
Stottlemeyer: Monk, I'm going to say something I've wanted to say for a long time. Monk: What is it?