Monk: It's a gift...

Sharona: Adrian! Don't you want a closer look?
Monk: No, I can see from here.

Monk: I took the liberty of straightening up a little.
Stottlemeyer: Where is all my crap?

Natalie: Mr. Monk, here he comes! Now, what do we do?
Monk: Okay. I'm going to count to three.
Natalie: All right, okay.

Professor Dean Berry: Mr. Monk, you know what I'm going to do for you? I'm going to adopt ten acres of Brazilian rain forest in your name.
Monk: Thank you.

Anne Marie: Are you my uncle?
Monk: No, no. I'm your Aunt Natalie's boss.

Randy: It's him. The Opposite Killer. That's his M.O.
Stottlemeyer: There is no 'Opposite Killer'!

Julie: Okay, Mr. Monk, this is called a mouse.
Monk: I know that, I haven't been living in a cave.
Julie: And this is a mouse pad.

Monk: I'm half man, half wuss...

Monk: I'm on the list.
Security Guard: Name?

Monk: Do you have any more of these Odor-Eaters?
Drugstore Manager: How many do you need?

Stottlemeyer: They call it a panic room.

Monk: That used to be my nickname, Mr. Punctuality.
Michelle Rivas: In college?

Sharona: Adrian, you have to sit. This is a picnic.
Monk: I - I don't sit on the ground.

Sharona: We're never going to get away with this! They're never going to believe we're really married.

Randy: I was up all night with my girlfriend.

Joe Christie: 89-cent plastic commemorative plaque. Would you kill someone to get this?

Monk: Is that a square tomato?
Sarah Longson: Yes it is. The square shape means that farmers can pack 35% more tomatoes per carton. It's cheaper, more efficient.
Natalie: How does it taste?
Monk: Who cares? It's a square tomato.

Stottlemeyer: Keyes, you don't wanna do this. You don't want to kill a cop.
Monk: Or an ex-cop.

Reverend Hadley Jorgensen: Maybe we should induce vomiting?

Monk: She forgot she was a vegetarian? Who forgets they're vegetarian?

Monk: That officer outside told me I was dead.

Monk: It doesn't make any sense.
Stottlemeyer: Does everything have to make sense, Monk?

Miranda St. Claire: Let me ask you a question. How can you investigate anything? I'm told you're 'germophobic,' afraid of the dark, heights, crowds... and milk.

Stottlemeyer: I thought you were afraid of heights.
Monk: Snakes trump heights.

Stottlemeyer: Monk, I'm going to say something I've wanted to say for a long time.
Monk: What is it?