Narrator: Britain, Britain, Britain. I love Britain so much that everyday I sacrifice a child in honour of it.
Narrator: British justice is the best in the world.
Narrator: When people in Britain want to buy a pet, they go to a pet shop. If they want to buy a pet shop, they go to a pet shop shop.
Marjorie Dawes: Oooooh, I love a bit of cake. Oooooh, cake. Oooooh, cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. I'm just one of these people.
Narrator: Swimming pools in Britain have very strict rules.
Narrator: This is the home of romance novelist, Dame Sally.
Narrator: Britain, Britain, Britain.
Lou: [looking up into the tree where Andy is sitting] Andy, how did you get up there?
Marjorie Dawes: Dust. Anybody? No? High in fat, low in fat? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. It's actually very low in fat.
Scottish Guy: I'm hard yet soft, I am coloured yet clear, I am fruity and sweet, I am jelly...
Scottish Guy: Carrot cake, carrot cake, have ye any nuts?
Denver Mills: I'd like to welcome you all to the Annual Police Dinner. My name is Denver Mills and I am a former Olympic Silver Medallist. When I think about it, being an Olympic runner, is a lot like being a police officer-we both spend most of our running chasing after black guys.
Lou: Is there anyone you want me to invite? Andy: George Michaels. Lou: George Michaels? We don't know him. Andy: Yeah, I know. Lou: I don't think he'd come. And besides, you don't like George Michaels.
Old Ma Evans' lodger: Well, I seem to have passed your gay test, so I must be gay. Daffyd: No, you are not a gay. I am the gay.
Mike: Hey, you open for afternoon tea? Scottish Guy: Maybe I am and maybe I'm not [plays tune on flute] Mike: Oh, OK. [starts to walk out]
Andy: [about the kids who are mocking him] Someone should give them lot a smack. Lou: I thought you didn't like violence.
Ray McCooney: [tax people have come for money] What if I give ye six magic beans? Tax Woman: Not interested.
Marjorie Dawes: Now crisps are high in fat, but they're also low in protein and low in fibre!
Marjorie Dawes: What advice can we give to Christopher to help him lose weight? Paul! Paul: Eat healthily?
Marjorie Dawes: Fat cow! Fat cow! Fat cow! [stops, looks to women in doorframe] Marjorie Dawes: Oh, sorry love, new member? Take your seat and I'll see to you in a minute, now where was I?
Daffyd: Ma. Da. There's something I need to tell you both. I am... [deep breath] Father: Asthmatic? Daffyd: No! I am... a gay! Oh! Mother: Very nice. Father: Yeah, good for you, lad.
Student councillor lady: You know Paul. Everyone knows Paul. How can I describe him? Shoulder-length brown hair. Wears a lot of jewellery. Looks *up* a lot. Gets his clothes from Mothercare.
Social Worker: Vicky, where is the baby? Vicky Pollard: Swapped it for a Westlife CD. Social Worker: How could you do such a thing?
[Vicky Pollard has walked out of the class and left the pram with her baby in behind.] Mr Collier: Your baby? Vicky Pollard: Huh? Oh it's all right, you can keep it.
Andy: I wanna go swimming. Lou: I thought you didn't like the sea.
Mrs Teal: Oh, are you standing in the by-election, Daffyd? Daffyd: It's not just a bi election, Mrs. Teal.
Nathan: How many people have been to the moon? Bing Gordyn: Nine men have been to the moon. No women. I was the eighth. Scout Leader: Okay... Bing Gordyn: And I'm also the only man with a mustache to have been to the moon.
Robot career counsellor: What did you have in mind? Boy: I've always wanted to do catering... Robot career counsellor: There will no jobs for humans in catering in the future.
Bus Conductor: Look, I've warned you before. If you don't have a ticket you're gonna have to get off. Vicky Pollard: Oh, my God! That is so unfair! This is like, well sexual harassment! If you like, fancy me why don't you just say so?
Vicky Pollard: No, but yeah, but no, because if you don't let me in then Blazin' Squad are well gonna give you beatings because I've actually already met them already anyway, actually, down at the Radio 1 Roadshow at Weston Super-Mare!