You wanna hear how good bacon is? To improve other food they wrap it in bacon. If it wasn't for bacon we wouldn't even know what a water chestnut is.
I'm surprised people go camping. 'Hey, wanna burn vacation days sleeping on the ground outside?' 'Uh, no!' 'But you get to crap standing up.' 'I still wouldn't wanna go.' 'You'll wake up freezing, covered in a rash.'
Pie can’t compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it’s a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie...
I come from a very big family...
Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? 'Oh great, socks... You know I'm dying for your sins, right? But thanks for the SOCKS! They'll go great with my sandals.'
You can be a genius, but you try and write a postcard and you come across like a moron anyway:
The reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden...
Indiana is not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big'.
I was watching Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby?
Whenever you are single, all you see are couples.
'You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast.'
There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat...
If you're Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, 'He's got a Latin temper!' If you're a white guy and you get angry, people are like...
You ever got one thing to do all day but you just can't get yourself to do it? 'I gotta go to the post office ... but I'd probably have to put on pants. They're only open until 5.'
You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: 'Something smells like smoke in here!'
You ever talk about a movie with someone who read the book? They're so condescending. 'The book was much better than the movie.' 'Really? You know what I enjoyed about the movie?'
Every morning I hear the alarm, it's like 'BEEP BEEP BEEP'.
Lean Pockets. I don't even wanna know what's in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets:
They recently invented the breakfast Hot Pocket, FINALLY. I can't think of a better way to start the day. Good morning!
Hot Pocket. It sounds like a sexual disorder. 'Look Bobby, sometimes when fellas don't go on dates they develop what's called a 'hot pocket.'
When I send a postcard, I like to quiz people. 'Hey, did you get that postcard?' 'Yeah, yeah yeah.' 'Well what'd I say?' 'Uh, you were havin-'
You ever read a book that changed your life?
Every now and then I'll read a book. I'll be so proud of myself, I'll squeeze it into conversation. People will say, 'Hey Jim, how ya-' 'I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!' 'What was it about?'
I was looking at a bottle of water. They have nutritional facts printed on the side.
It is a little embarassing when someone catches you watching the Food Network. 'What are you watching?' 'Uh, the Food Network...'
It would be embarrassing trying to explain an appetizer to someone from a starving country. 'Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food.'
'Young man you're not having cake for breakfast. You're having fried cake with syrup for breakfast.'
Cake's a powerful food. Cake can actually bring people together. 'It's Bill's birthday' 'Yeah I hate that guy.' 'There's cake in the conference room.'
My favorite animal is the manatee, you know, the sea cow? You ever see that animal? The manatee is endangered, and I think it's because it's out of shape.
You ever notice when people in movies are thinking they always chew on the end of their glasses? 'If we give the alien a cold ...' You know what they're really thinking?
Life is easier for attractive people. If a stranger smiles at you and they're attractive, you think, 'Oh, they're nice,' but if the stranger is ugly, you think...
When you don't drink, people always need to know why. This never happens with anything else. 'You don't use mayonnaise, why? Are you addicted to mayonnaise?'
I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive?
Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more.