Dennis: I hate listening to people's dreams. It is like flipping through a stack of photographs.
Dee: How could you not tell me you were gay?
Dee: You can't break Tom Brady's arm. Mac: Oh yes, I can!
Dee: I have a little bit of a problem with old people... I find them kind of creepy... and scary. And gross, kinda gross. It's their hands really.
Barbara: While you were out making money, who do you think was at home, cooking and cleaning and raising your children?
Dennis: A crack rock. Is that enough? Is one crack rock enough? I don't...
Charlie: Here's a confession: I'm in love with a man. What? I'm in love with a man... a man named God. Does that make me gay?
Charlie: Now technically, that stain did appear to me. Also I am familiar with carpentry and I don't know who my father is.
Frank: There is nothing more threatening to a man than a woman who is smart and attractive.
Charlie: I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass, I'm gonna to kick some ass in the U.S.A. Gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna fly on an eagle. I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world, I'm gonna kick some ass. I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass.
Frank: I got good news!
Charlie: Mac, can an a**hole rip in half?
Mac: I'm not a serial killer! Frank: Then why all the shady behavior?
Rickety Cricket: Watch out for the crackheads.
Frank: You're not calling the cops! They'll find the bug I'm gonna plant! Dee: That's a baby monitor, Frank. You're planting a baby monitor? Frank: Yeah, a lot of people are bugging their babies these days.
Dee: If I had to write an article about you, it would say that you're very negative.
Dennis: You know what I'm concerned about? I don't want to get too bulky. I want to stay nice and lean and tight. I want to get that 'Jesus On The Cross' look. Dee: I see what you're saying.
Frank: All right, now, pretend that this shoe is an unboned chicken. And you're gonna cook it tonight, make a tasty dinner. It's gonna smell all through the house like cooked chicken. Beth: Actually, I'm vegan. Frank: Okay then pretend this shoe is whatever you people eat.
Principal: I'm a little confused, are you telling me this photo of Bruce Jenner is your resume? Charlie: Well, when I showed up this morning I didn't have a formal resume on me.
Dennis: What's wrong with the Jersey Shore? Mac: Come on, you've seen that TV show.
Dennis: Yeah buddy that's the ocean. Charlie: What's on the other side of it there? Frank: Europe. Charlie: Now how long would it take....
Dennis: I will be providing a very important service, however, as what I would like to be called: a handsome companion. Mac: To dudes? Charlie: To guys or... Dennis: No, not to dudes. To old fancy rich ladies who want to do classy, exotic, fancy things with me.
Mac: Charlie, give him the pear. Charlie: I can't, I just ate it. Mac: The whole thing? Charlie: Yeah, it was pretty gross. Mac: The stem and then the, and the core?! Charlie: You didn't tell me not to eat the stem dude!
Dennis: You've got to crack a couple eggs to make an omelet? Charlie: Yeah, you gotta crack an egg. Dennis: So you're throwing down life lessons now? Charlie: I'm throwing down eggs! Dennis: Class is in session, the teacher's teaching class now!
Dennis: This Jew's in for a ton of work. Mac and Charlie: WHOA! Dennis: Whoa, what? Mac: Come on, man! You can't say things like that! Dennis: I don't know what I said. What'd I say?
Dennis: I'll read the words you wrote. 'Hello fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power. Good. Thank you. Thank you. If you vote me, I'm hot.' What? 'Taxes, they'll be lower. Son.'
Dee: I can't believe you guys! I could have been killed! Charlie: Well, somebody had to do it! Mac: Yeah, those kittens were in a burning building, Deandra!
Dennis: There's no such thing as 'bird law'. Charlie: Yes, there is. Dennis: You know what? I'm going to get a hummingbird and I'll show you.